*Official* "Baywatch: Where Are They Now?" thread

[ewmayer]

By popular, massive, sustained, worldwide request... (plus, the guys in the Secret David Hasselhoff forum thought it would be fun.)

We'll start with a randomly selected ex-random-buff-lifeguard-portraying type, a certain Mr. Chris Fiore, better known to series fans as "Brad". "Brad's" IMDB page shows him going from being a regular on The Series - 95 episodes to his credit - to a subsequent smashing showbusiness career consisting of the following single entry:

Special Effects:

   1. Lucky Numbers (2000) (snowmobile technician)
      ... aka Bon numéro, Le (France)

Well, not all of us are cut out for that crazy rocket ship called Stardom, "Brad." Rest assured, we Baywatch-deprived fans in TV Land feel your pain. Well, not really, but it's certainly a nice-sounding sentiment, don't you think? At least your years on The Series taught you the valuable skill of snowmobile repair - which, given that The Series was filmed in SoCal and (on occasion) Hawaii and Australia, is no mean feat.


Next, let's see what Mr. Jeremy Jackson, a.k.a. "Hoff Junior Wannabe", a.a.k.a. "Hoooooooooooobie!!! EEEEEEEKKKK!!!" is up to:

The reviews on the attached message board are decidely mixed. As one contributor to the "EEEEEWWWWW!" thread (not to be confused with the "Plastic Surgery horror!!" or "Gay?" threads) puts it:

I just saw him on the game network talking about how myspace is all about getting a**.....damn he got fugly!!!!
He was all like I am sober 6 1/2 years, I am happy about that but he looks hella scary.

Another anguished ex-crush-owner chimes in:

talk about unnatural looking fella, check out the pics on his myspace page. http://www.myspace.com/jeremyjackson

if his hair gets any tanner and his hair gets any taller, he could die it blonde and become the synthesizer player for some swedish eurof** dance group. maybe if they have a next generation abba or something.

Yes, "EEEEEEEKKKK!!!" to "EEEEEWWWWW!", underager to veteran 12-stepper and permanently recovering alcoholic/drug-addict/sex-addict/child-star-withdrawal-syndrome, all in just a few short years. Somewhere, a certain Mr. Danny Bonaduce is nodding his head knowingly, my friend. Sometimes the wheel of life hits a big ol' pothole, has a bunch of its previously taut and shiny spokes go "SPROING" and its rim get bent into one of figure-8 shapes found littering the ditches next to cobblestone sections of European spring-classics bicycle races each year. The best we can do is try to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, let one of the soigneurs rush up and slap a big old bandage on our bloody grazed butt cheek which is hanging out of our torn lycra pants for all the world to see, get on a new bike, and hope the mechanic remembered to actually put a saddle on the seatpost of this one before shoving it under our butt.


As for the mighty H-Man himself? Well, what can you say? His gleaming-smiled wisdom guides us always, his Weissmüllerianly brad, manly Pec Dec atop 5-foot-long chickenLegs follows us wherever we go.

[Uncwilly]

I noticed TTn's avatar would fit in this thread.

[ewmayer]

Originally Posted by Uncwilly

I noticed TTn's avatar would fit in this thread.

Well, the guy who gave TTn his way-kewl recursive thong avatar happens to be the same person who runs the SDH forum. Amazing coincidence, is it not?

If this thread proves to be massive success I fully expect, might start a similar one for "Melrose Place" later. But let's not get ahead of ourselves ... at this point that would risk dilution of the small talent pool we got around here. (They're very talented, but small ... did I mention how talented they are? That's not the problem, rather it's that there's so small of them...but I think I made my point, about the whole talented-but-smallish thing ...now back to my previous discursion).

URGENT REQUEST!!! Anybody want to give us an update on Yasmine Bleeth? Has she cleaned herself up and learned to fly right, or is she still wrestling with the wicked White Nose Dust demon? Alas, poor Yasmine, so much theatrical talent, such large, um, thespian assets you showed to the world - where did it all go wrong for you, dear? Just goes to show how rude of a shock sudden emergence from the warm, embracing, one-big-happy-and-really-good-looking-life-saving familial cocoon that was Baywatch into the ugly, petty, superficial "real world" must have been.

[MooooMoo]

Originally Posted by ewmayer

URGENT REQUEST!!! Anybody want to give us an update on Yasmine Bleeth?

Well, I do know that her fanclub site as moved:

http://www.mersenneforum.org/showthread.php?t=5897

[Uncwilly]

Originally Posted by ewmayer

URGENT REQUEST!!! Anybody want to give us an update on Yasmine Bleeth?

All I know, was that it was her charms (and Cheech's humour) that made this steaming pile: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115285/ at all palatable.
Don Johnson as a rebel detective? Didn't we have that in the 80's?

[ewmayer]

Shocking Hasselhoffian newsflash - thanks to our intrepid Hollywood scoopmeister Xyzzy for this link:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070507/...ple_hasselhoff

Hasselhoff's visitation rights suspended

1 hour, 19 minutes ago

LOS ANGELES - A judge on Monday suspended David Hasselhoff's visitation rights with his two teenage daughters after last week's surfacing of a videotape showing the recovering alcoholic apparently intoxicated in his Las Vegas home.

A fading Hollywood B-show star, drunk? In his home? In Las Vegas, no less? A shocking combination of circumstances...

"This videotape changes the landscape, it just does," Superior Court Judge Mark Juhas said.

It's, like, one of those monster-sized Caterpillar open-pit-mining tractor thingies ... only bigger and sexier...

The judge set a May 21 hearing to determine if the tape is authentic and who was responsible for its release. His visitation order will remain in effect until then.

Hasselhoff, 54, did not attend the hearing, but his former wife Pamela Bach was there.

Portions of the video were aired last week on syndicated entertainment shows. The video shows Hasselhoff, wearing only blue jeans, lying on a floor and clumsily eating a hamburger while one of his daughters videotapes him and reproves him about his drinking.

Luckily he didn't try drinking and chewing gum at the same time - that could have had catastrophic consequences. At least burgers have a fair amount of padding.

Hasselhoff said in a statement last week that he's a recovering alcoholic and the tape was made to show him what he can be like under the influence of alcohol.

"I have learned from it and I am back on my game," he said then.

His game, of course, being that fun-fest known as "Fall Off the Wagon".

A message left Monday for Hasselhoff's attorney, Melvin Goldsman, was not immediately returned.

A sure sign of guilt!

Attorney Debra Opri, who represents Bach, said her client was upset about the release of the tape and stunned by her former husband's behavior in front of their daughter.

"She's devastated the videotape was put out in the press," Opri said. "When a mother hears this from her daughter, what does she think? `I haven't protected my daughters.'"

That's right ... she's such a concerned parent that she thinks Vegas is a great place for her kids to grow up.

The syndicated entertainment shows said the tape was made about three months ago by Hasselhoff's 16-year-old daughter, Taylor-Ann, in his home in Las Vegas, where the former "Baywatch" star had been appearing in a stage version of "The Producers."

Hey - most people just don't appreciate how stressful producering stuff - even in a staged sense - can be.

On the tape, a girl's voice is heard saying: "Dad, you need to promise me you're not gonna get alcohol tonight, OK?"

OK, I promise to not get alcohol tonight - I'll just drink from the stash I already have in the house...

"If you get alcohol tonight, you're fired from your show tomorrow," the girl continues. "And a doctor's coming over here in the morning to check your alcohol level and if there's any alcohol in your system you're gonna be fired from the show. Tomorrow. You hear me? No alcohol."

Nag, nag, nag...who do you think you are, young lady - your mother?

"OK," Hasselhoff replies in a slurred voice.

Hasselhoff filed for divorce from Bach last year after 16 years of marriage, citing irreconcilable differences. Bach, 43, filed her own divorce papers, also citing irreconcilable differences.

Yes, great minds think alike...

In addition to Taylor-Ann, they have a 14-year-old daughter. The couple share joint custody of the girls, Opri said.

As opposed to not sharing joint custody? How would that work, anyway?

DH should consider turning this little embarrassment into a creative goldmine, maybe a 2-hour TV special called Baywatch: Off the Wagon.

[ewmayer]

Agonized Hoff-fans weigh in on the drunken-burger-munchies scandal.

I can't help but wonder what fellow ex-Baywatch off-the-wagoner (the "ex" refers to the Baywatch part, not the off-the-wagon bit, obviously) Yasmine Bleeth thinks of all these sordid goings-on. Yasmine, if you have any words of support or advice for David during this difficult time, I beg you, please don't hesitate to post them here.

Everyone deserves a second chance at a fresh start in an attempt to make a clean break from wrestling with their personal demons and redeem themselves for their latest failed rehab attempt, right?

Just keep reminding yourself of what's at stake here, not just for DH but for all humanity -- in the words of the Great Man Himself:

"Beyond its entertainment value, Baywatch has enriched and, in many ways, helped save lives. I'm looking forward to the opportunity to continue with a project which has had such significance for so many." -- David Hasselhoff

That's right, the global phenomenon that was Baywatch didn't just save lives onscreen. As the wisdom of the sages tells us,

"Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire." -- a saying from the Talmud.

I have to stop now ... getting very emotional...

[ewmayer]

Another Hoff fan (haven't yet figured out which of the Baywatching tag team of akruppa and Xyzzy it was) asks plaintively:
Why do they Hassle the Hoff?"

Why do they Hassle the Hoff?
by smulkin 2 days ago (Mon May 14 2007 12:29:59)

I can't imagine why anyone would do such a terrible thing, especially after the valuable contributions he has made to our culture(and especially, our table manners).

Why, indeed -- well-asked, my perspicacious friend.

[sdbardwick]

More commentary on The Hoff (dated, but still good).

Many of the GBC entries on Tomato Nation reference him, and even the ones that don't are amusing.

[ewmayer]

Originally Posted by sdbardwick

More commentary on The Hoff (dated, but still good).

Thanks for the link...

Wing Chun: "David Hasselhoff is suing an English tabloid newspaper after it claimed he went on a drunken rampage at the Wimbledon tennis championships earlier this month."

Sarah: I can't wait to see that filing on Smoking Gun.com. What exactly is his claim here? That it wasn't a rampage?

Wing Chun: "Mr. Hasselhoff's attorney insisted that his client's behavior constituted more of a kerfuffle or a brouhaha than a rampage."

Sarah: "Under British law, rampages must contain at least one soccer hooligan and a slurred mention of Lord Jeff."

Ha ha, classic.

Erm, I mean, tragic, just tragic ... the personal and societal ravages of that terrible *disease* known as Boozus Houndus simply can not be understated.

[ewmayer]

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070522/...ple_hasselhoff

"I promise never to drunkenly and clumsily eat a burger while sitting on the floor in a shirtless state and mumbling slurred reminiscences of how I so wanted to bang Alexandra Paul on the Baywatch set, your honor...I hope this act of, like, attrition, satisfies the aggrieved parties..."