Dumb (Jokes) Thread - Page 9

ewmayer · 2006-04-02, 01:33

So the binary one says to the binary zero, "you realize you're totally worthless." The binary zero replies, "am not."

Fusion_power · 2006-04-02, 03:19

This bruiser of a bartender had decided he was one of the strongest men in the world so he put a thousand dollars in a fishbowl on his bar as prize money. His brag was that he would squeeze a lemon and anyone who could squeeze so much as another drop of juice out of the lemon could have the money.

One night a huge guy walks up to the bar and says he would like to try. The bartender promptly grabs a lemon, holds it over a glass, and squeezes mightily. About a cup of juice is in the glass. The bartender then hands the lemon rind to the big guy who squeezes for all he is worth. He gets the tiniest bit of moisture to appear on the tip of the lemon which of course is not a drop. The bartender asks him how he was able to do that and he says "Well, I'm a longshoreman and you have to be pretty strong to make it on the docks."

Another guy in a business suit walks up and says he would like to try. The bartender hands him the lemon rind and he squeezes producing about half a drop of juice which of course is not quite a drop. The bartender asks him how he was able to do that and he says "Well, I'm a lawyer and everybody knows a good lawyer can squeeze a turnip till it bleeds."

At this point, a scrawny nerd with glasses like the bottoms of coke bottles walks up and says he would like to give it a try. Everybody laughs, but the bartender hands him the lemon rind and he promptly squeezes a teaspoon of juice from the lemon. He puts the now powder dry rind on the bar and it crumbles into dust. The bartender, in amazement, asks him how he was able to do that and he says "Well, I do that everyday for a living, I work for the IRS!"

mfgoode · 2006-04-04, 11:57

A lone tourist in New York, visiting a math. society, hopes to make some contact with another.
He dials a number at random.
On comes the recorded voice "You have dialed an imaginary number. Multiply by ' i ' and dial again!"

Mally

Kees · 2006-04-04, 12:40

If somebody asks for a penny for your thoughts and you give him a tuppence,
what happens to the other penny ?

Uncwilly · 2006-04-04, 13:37

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kees

If somebody asks for a penny for your thoughts and you give him a tuppence, what happens to the other penny ?

That is better than only having ha'penny.

ewmayer · 2006-04-05, 17:02

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kees

If somebody asks for a penny for your thoughts and you give him a tuppence, what happens to the other penny ?

Actually, since it is usual to offer someone a penny for their thoughts, if the thinker replies by giving their 2 cents' worth, that would mean the penny giver got a 2-for-1 discount.

Quoth the poet/salesman, "It's not free verse ... but it is deeply discounted."

cheesehead · 2006-04-05, 21:12

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kees

If somebody asks for a penny for your thoughts and you give him a tuppence, what happens to the other penny ?

It becomes a tip-pence, of course.

sdbardwick · 2006-04-06, 05:03

New game show here in the US
Careful, the rest of the thread is addicting

mfgoode · 2006-04-06, 06:21

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kees

If somebody asks for a penny for your thoughts and you give him a tuppence,
what happens to the other penny ?

In the early sixties the public toilets in London were free for entrance and use of urinals but a penny was required to open the cubicles. These could only be activated by a penny, and these were large those days in the pound/ shilling/ penny system, and also hard to get.

Hence a penny was always saved up for such occasions. When someone asked for a penny it almost meant for use of the toilets. Hence the saying 'save a penny for the loo'! So it is implied, that one does not expect much of ones thought, and at the worst it can be put otherwise to good use, especially in an emergency !

The saying 'save the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves.' is of dubious origin but It was also applied in this context as pounds were hard to change into pennies.
Mally

Mystwalker · 2006-04-06, 08:53

Quote:

Originally Posted by mfgoode

"She sells sea shells on the sea shore,
The shells she sells are sea shells, I'm sure".

That reminds me of this reportage.

btw.:
I saw that a favorite German game show is now also known in the US.

But back to dumb jokes:

A man spends 2€ for something worth 1€ he needs,
a woman spends 1€ for something worth 2€ she doesn't need...

Kees · 2006-04-06, 09:26

A Mathematical Congress is held somewhere in the English countryside.
As the participants arrive at their hotel they ask for there keys.
One of them is given room 314. He proudly shows his key to his colleagues who
all congratulate him.
The clerk behind the desk asks what all the fuzz is about.
One mathematician replies: "don't worry, I am sure you miss the point"

2006-04-04, 11:57	#91
mfgoode Bronze Medalist Jan 2004 Mumbai,India 2²×3³×19 Posts	Dumb Jokes Thread A lone tourist in New York, visiting a math. society, hopes to make some contact with another. He dials a number at random. On comes the recorded voice "You have dialed an imaginary number. Multiply by ' i ' and dial again!" Mally

2006-04-04, 12:40	#92
Kees Dec 2005 2²·7² Posts	Thoughtless If somebody asks for a penny for your thoughts and you give him a tuppence, what happens to the other penny ?

2006-04-06, 09:26	#99
Kees Dec 2005 2²·7² Posts	Pointless A Mathematical Congress is held somewhere in the English countryside. As the participants arrive at their hotel they ask for there keys. One of them is given room 314. He proudly shows his key to his colleagues who all congratulate him. The clerk behind the desk asks what all the fuzz is about. One mathematician replies: "don't worry, I am sure you miss the point"

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Favorite April Fools jokes and who online is expected to participate	jasong	Lounge	23	2015-04-07 08:43
Favorite worst jokes	Dubslow	Lounge	17	2012-10-19 20:10
April Fool's Day Jokes	rogue	Lounge	25	2009-04-07 15:19
Christmas Jokes Thread	10metreh	Lounge	14	2008-12-25 08:41
Your favorite political jokes	Fusion_power	Lounge	5	2004-09-11 21:51

2006-04-02, 01:33	#89
ewmayer ∂²ω=0 Sep 2002 República de California 103×113 Posts	So the binary one says to the binary zero, "you realize you're totally worthless." The binary zero replies, "am not."

2006-04-02, 03:19	#90
Fusion_power Aug 2003 Snicker, AL 1677₈ Posts	This bruiser of a bartender had decided he was one of the strongest men in the world so he put a thousand dollars in a fishbowl on his bar as prize money. His brag was that he would squeeze a lemon and anyone who could squeeze so much as another drop of juice out of the lemon could have the money. One night a huge guy walks up to the bar and says he would like to try. The bartender promptly grabs a lemon, holds it over a glass, and squeezes mightily. About a cup of juice is in the glass. The bartender then hands the lemon rind to the big guy who squeezes for all he is worth. He gets the tiniest bit of moisture to appear on the tip of the lemon which of course is not a drop. The bartender asks him how he was able to do that and he says "Well, I'm a longshoreman and you have to be pretty strong to make it on the docks." Another guy in a business suit walks up and says he would like to try. The bartender hands him the lemon rind and he squeezes producing about half a drop of juice which of course is not quite a drop. The bartender asks him how he was able to do that and he says "Well, I'm a lawyer and everybody knows a good lawyer can squeeze a turnip till it bleeds." At this point, a scrawny nerd with glasses like the bottoms of coke bottles walks up and says he would like to give it a try. Everybody laughs, but the bartender hands him the lemon rind and he promptly squeezes a teaspoon of juice from the lemon. He puts the now powder dry rind on the bar and it crumbles into dust. The bartender, in amazement, asks him how he was able to do that and he says "Well, I do that everyday for a living, I work for the IRS!"

2006-04-06, 05:03	#96
sdbardwick Aug 2002 North San Diego County 2AD₁₆ Posts	New game show here in the US Careful, the rest of the thread is addicting