Dumb (Jokes) Thread - Page 55

petrw1 · 2016-12-19, 19:14

http://en.webfail.com/5da0fddc3d2

carpetpool · 2017-01-01, 19:03

Here's a dumb joke in a prime year:

What are Beethoven's Favorite Number's?

Answer

Uncwilly · 2017-01-05, 01:17

I went to a hot poker game on New Year's Eve.

There were several minor burns and one eye was put out.

lycorn · 2017-01-06, 10:46

There was that vicar, well into his sixties, kind and somehow naif, that started having trouble with his prostate gland (swollen, painful, and all...). So he was admitted in the hospital to undergo surgery.
At that time, there was a nurse in the same hospital that was about to give birth to a child, but the situation was quite embarrassing as it was the "by-product" of an extramarital affair with a married doctor. So they decided to try and convince the vicar that what was provoking his disconfort was actually a child, that he was about to give birth to, by some miraculous divine purpose.
So the good man was obviously stunned, but he accepted the child (a baby boy) as a gift of God, and undertook the task of bringing him up the best he could. Things actually went pretty well, as he was a decent and caring man, and the boy grew up happily as the vicar´s son.
Some years later, the boy had reached his adulthood, and the vicar was terminally ill. So he called the boy to his bed, grabbed his hand and said:
- Dear son, I feel I´m about to die, and I don´t want to have any thing hidden from you when I go. So I have to tell you the truth: I´m not your father!
- What you mean you´re not my father??
- No, in all truth, I´m your mother.
- My mother???
- Yes. The archbishop is your father...

kladner · 2017-01-06, 17:32

xilman · 2017-01-06, 18:59

This will (probably) only be fully appreciated by UK readers but people elsewhere may be able to translate to their local circumstances.

BREAKING NEWS
Police in Bradford last night pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed, M.O.T. tested and insured.
It wasn't stolen and there were no stolen goods or drugs found.
The driver was sober.
He had a full licence and no points.
A West Yorkshire police spokesman said they had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time.

axn · 2017-01-07, 14:08

Too soon?

MattcAnderson · 2017-01-07, 14:41

Hi mersenneforum.org

Good joke, axn.

Although both CF and GM are dead, I just so happen to inver that Mr. Michael's first music album was "all about faith, faith, faith.

Regards,

Matt

xilman · 2017-01-22, 22:22

Alice and Bob go into this bar. It's late at night, and they're both a bit worse for wear. Alice orders a drink, and Bob slumps face first onto the bar. "A pint of bitter for my boyfriend here, and a lager for myself," says Alice, "And don't tell me how much it is, just put it on our tab."

So the barman pours drink after drink, Bob and Alice get more and more drunk, and even the barman hasn't got a clue how much they've had or how much they've spent.

At the end of the night the barman rings up the tab, and says, "That's 54 pounds, 51 pence, but I've no idea how many beers that was, or how much each cost."

Bob lifts his head from the puddle of stale beer it's resting in, gazes vaguely at the barman and pronounces, "That's 23 drinks at 237 pence each," before dropping his head back on the bar.

The barman stares at Bob and says, "Wow! That was really quick! Are you Shor?"

VBCurtis · 2017-01-23, 05:26

Quote:

Originally Posted by xilman

The barman stares at Bob and says, "Wow! That was really quick! Are you Shor?"

That was unexpected, and terrific. Thank you, sir. I groaned loudly.

LaurV · 2017-01-25, 06:42

Quote:

Originally Posted by xilman

"Wow! That was really quick! Are you Shor?"

Haha, very good one!

(unexpected, as VB said!)

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2016-12-19, 19:14	#595
petrw1 1976 Toyota Corona years forever! "Wayne" Nov 2006 Saskatchewan, Canada 4,691 Posts	http://en.webfail.com/5da0fddc3d2

2017-01-01, 19:03	#596
carpetpool "Sam" Nov 2016 324₁₀ Posts	Here's a dumb joke in a prime year: What are Beethoven's Favorite Number's? Answer

2017-01-05, 01:17	#597
Uncwilly 6809 > 6502 """"""""""""""""""" Aug 2003 101×103 Posts 2×4,909 Posts	I went to a hot poker game on New Year's Eve. There were several minor burns and one eye was put out.

2017-01-06, 10:46	#598
lycorn "GIMFS" Sep 2002 Oeiras, Portugal 3·491 Posts	There was that vicar, well into his sixties, kind and somehow naif, that started having trouble with his prostate gland (swollen, painful, and all...). So he was admitted in the hospital to undergo surgery. At that time, there was a nurse in the same hospital that was about to give birth to a child, but the situation was quite embarrassing as it was the "by-product" of an extramarital affair with a married doctor. So they decided to try and convince the vicar that what was provoking his disconfort was actually a child, that he was about to give birth to, by some miraculous divine purpose. So the good man was obviously stunned, but he accepted the child (a baby boy) as a gift of God, and undertook the task of bringing him up the best he could. Things actually went pretty well, as he was a decent and caring man, and the boy grew up happily as the vicar´s son. Some years later, the boy had reached his adulthood, and the vicar was terminally ill. So he called the boy to his bed, grabbed his hand and said: - Dear son, I feel I´m about to die, and I don´t want to have any thing hidden from you when I go. So I have to tell you the truth: I´m not your father! - What you mean you´re not my father?? - No, in all truth, I´m your mother. - My mother??? - Yes. The archbishop is your father...

2017-01-06, 17:32	#599
kladner "Kieren" Jul 2011 In My Own Galaxy! 10011110101110₂ Posts

2017-01-06, 18:59	#600
xilman Bamboozled! "𒉺𒌌𒇷𒆷𒀭" May 2003 Down not across 10101000011100₂ Posts	This will (probably) only be fully appreciated by UK readers but people elsewhere may be able to translate to their local circumstances. BREAKING NEWS Police in Bradford last night pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed, M.O.T. tested and insured. It wasn't stolen and there were no stolen goods or drugs found. The driver was sober. He had a full licence and no points. A West Yorkshire police spokesman said they had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time.

2017-01-07, 14:08	#601
axn Jun 2003 2·3·7·11² Posts	Too soon?

2017-01-07, 14:41	#602
MattcAnderson "Matthew Anderson" Dec 2010 Oregon, USA 1441₈ Posts	Hi mersenneforum.org Good joke, axn. Although both CF and GM are dead, I just so happen to inver that Mr. Michael's first music album was "all about faith, faith, faith. Regards, Matt

2017-01-22, 22:22	#603
xilman Bamboozled! "𒉺𒌌𒇷𒆷𒀭" May 2003 Down not across 10101000011100₂ Posts	Alice and Bob go into this bar. It's late at night, and they're both a bit worse for wear. Alice orders a drink, and Bob slumps face first onto the bar. "A pint of bitter for my boyfriend here, and a lager for myself," says Alice, "And don't tell me how much it is, just put it on our tab." So the barman pours drink after drink, Bob and Alice get more and more drunk, and even the barman hasn't got a clue how much they've had or how much they've spent. At the end of the night the barman rings up the tab, and says, "That's 54 pounds, 51 pence, but I've no idea how many beers that was, or how much each cost." Bob lifts his head from the puddle of stale beer it's resting in, gazes vaguely at the barman and pronounces, "That's 23 drinks at 237 pence each," before dropping his head back on the bar. The barman stares at Bob and says, "Wow! That was really quick! Are you Shor?"