Dumb (Jokes) Thread - Page 33

99.94 · 2008-11-26, 08:51

With due deference to Ernst's Global Financial Crisis thread ... .
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
November 26 (Bloomberg) -- Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a purchase of Citigroup.

The pirates would buy Citigroup with new debt and their existing cash stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships, including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The Somali pirates are offering up to $0.10 per share for Citigroup, pirate spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today. The negotiations have entered the final stage, Ali said.

"You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying for things. Be happy we are in the mood to offer the shareholders anything," said Ali.

The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS's are backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden. Moody's and S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the PRBS's.

Head pirate, Ubu Kalid Shandu, said: "We need a bank so that we have a place to keep all of our ransom money. Thankfully, the dislocations in the capital markets has allowed us to purchase Citigroup at an attractive valuation and to take advantage of TARP capital to grow the business even faster."

Shandu added, "We don't call ourselves pirates. We are coastguards and this will just allow us to guard our coasts better."

ixfd64 · 2008-11-26, 12:28

Q: What did one tectonic plate say to the other when it caused an earthquake?

A: It was all your fault!

10metreh · 2008-11-26, 12:56

A man enters a restaurant and sits himself down. A few minutes later, a waitress arrives at his table and asks him what he would like. The man scans the menu up and down, scans the waitress up and down and gives his reply:

"I would like a quickie, please."

The waitress replies: "I'm sorry, but you can't have one."

The waitress walks away, and returns in a few minutes. She once again asks the man what he would like. Once again

"I would like a quickie, please."

And the waitress replies: "I'm sorry, but you can't have one."

The waitress walks away again, and serves a few other people before returning. The waitress asks the man what he would like, and he replies:

"I would like a quickie, please."

This time, a man on a nearby table interrupts:

"It's pronounced "quiche"."

ewmayer · 2008-11-26, 16:36

Quote:

Originally Posted by 99.94

November 26 (Bloomberg) -- Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a purchase of Citigroup.

Ah - a "kinder, better band of pirates" to run the company than has previously been the case, eh?

Seen on the Web:

Quote:

Restoration of Service Announcement, WorldWide Release

Date: Friday, November 21, 2008, 12:31 PM

Dear World:

The United States of America, a quality supplier of ideals of liberty and democracy, would like to apologize for its 2001-2008 service outage.

The technical fault that led to this eight-year service interruption has been located, and the parts responsible were replaced Tuesday night, November 4. Early tests of the new install indicate that it is functioning correctly, and we expect it to be fully functional by mid-January.

We apologize for any inconvenience caused by the outage, and we look forward to resuming full service --- and hopefully even to improving it in years to come.

Thank you for your patience and understanding.

The USA

m_f_h · 2008-11-28, 03:18

I was unable to find the "funny link" thread , so I post this here , the urge to share this is too strong to wait any longer :

http://www.engrish.com/category/chinglish/

You may have to go back some "weeks" to find the most hilarious ones...
or try replacing 12 below by just any random number
http://www.engrish.com/category/chinglish/page/12/

EDIT : no, try this first:
http://www.engrish.com/category/chinglish/page/16/

Batalov · 2008-12-02, 10:40

Quote:

Originally Posted by 10metreh

..."I would like a quickie, please."
The waitress replies: "I'm sorry, but you can't have one."

...Yes, you can - http://www.pedagonet.com/quickies/quickies.html

(I can see you hesitating... Don't. I have gotten there from Wikipedia!
See the quickie on lattice multiplication. Then see "Algebra". That will blow your socks off. Or not.)

ixfd64 · 2008-12-13, 21:25

I got this in my e-mail today:

Quote:

Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"

Student: "It's 42!"

Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?"

Same student: "It's 24!"

ewmayer · 2008-12-15, 17:59

EFFECTIVE JANUARY 1, 2009 -- NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work .

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

p.s.: Pass this on to all who are still employed!

10metreh · 2008-12-15, 18:22

Very good ixfd64! Your jokes are some of the best here. Here's another one:

Teacher: What is 5 times 4?
Pupil: 20.
Teacher: Good.
Pupil: It's not just good, it's perfect!
Teacher: No it's not. 6 and 28 are perfect, not 20.

cheesehead · 2008-12-15, 19:32

Quote:

Originally Posted by kwstone

President Bush further warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex.

"Iraqi shoe-throwing reporter becomes the talk of Iraq"

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20081215/...qiJnDeE.2zvtEF

Quote:

"It was the throw of the century ..." said Baghdad resident Abu Hussein, 48.

Orgasmic Troll · 2008-12-15, 20:48

Quote:

Originally Posted by 10metreh

Very good ixfd64! Your jokes are some of the best here. Here's another one:

Teacher: What is 5 times 4?
Pupil: 20.
Teacher: Good.
Pupil: It's not just good, it's perfect!
Teacher: No it's not. 6 and 28 are perfect, not 20.

This joke is terrible. I feel like I've been stabbed in the brain with a butter knife.

Obligatory Joke:

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.

2008-11-28, 03:18	#357
m_f_h Feb 2007 2⁴×3³ Posts	Chinglish I was unable to find the "funny link" thread , so I post this here , the urge to share this is too strong to wait any longer : http://www.engrish.com/category/chinglish/ You may have to go back some "weeks" to find the most hilarious ones... or try replacing 12 below by just any random number http://www.engrish.com/category/chinglish/page/12/ EDIT : no, try this first: http://www.engrish.com/category/chinglish/page/16/ Last fiddled with by m_f_h on 2008-11-28 at 03:30

2008-12-15, 17:59	#360
ewmayer ∂²ω=0 Sep 2002 República de California 19·613 Posts	ATTN EMPLOYEES: NEW OFFICE POLICY for 2009 EFFECTIVE JANUARY 1, 2009 -- NEW OFFICE POLICY Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. 3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. 4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work . Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy. Lunch Break: * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. The Management p.s.: Pass this on to all who are still employed!

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2008-11-26, 08:51	#353
99.94 Dec 2004 The Land of Lost Content 3·7·13 Posts	With due deference to Ernst's Global Financial Crisis thread ... . +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ November 26 (Bloomberg) -- Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a purchase of Citigroup. The pirates would buy Citigroup with new debt and their existing cash stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships, including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The Somali pirates are offering up to $0.10 per share for Citigroup, pirate spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today. The negotiations have entered the final stage, Ali said. "You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying for things. Be happy we are in the mood to offer the shareholders anything," said Ali. The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS's are backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden. Moody's and S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the PRBS's. Head pirate, Ubu Kalid Shandu, said: "We need a bank so that we have a place to keep all of our ransom money. Thankfully, the dislocations in the capital markets has allowed us to purchase Citigroup at an attractive valuation and to take advantage of TARP capital to grow the business even faster." Shandu added, "We don't call ourselves pirates. We are coastguards and this will just allow us to guard our coasts better."

2008-11-26, 12:28	#354
ixfd64 Bemusing Prompter "Danny" Dec 2002 California 7⁴ Posts	Q: What did one tectonic plate say to the other when it caused an earthquake? A: It was all your fault!

2008-11-26, 12:56	#355
10metreh Nov 2008 4422₈ Posts	A man enters a restaurant and sits himself down. A few minutes later, a waitress arrives at his table and asks him what he would like. The man scans the menu up and down, scans the waitress up and down and gives his reply: "I would like a quickie, please." The waitress replies: "I'm sorry, but you can't have one." The waitress walks away, and returns in a few minutes. She once again asks the man what he would like. Once again "I would like a quickie, please." And the waitress replies: "I'm sorry, but you can't have one." The waitress walks away again, and serves a few other people before returning. The waitress asks the man what he would like, and he replies: "I would like a quickie, please." This time, a man on a nearby table interrupts: "It's pronounced "quiche"."

2008-12-15, 18:22	#361
10metreh Nov 2008 100100010010₂ Posts	Very good ixfd64! Your jokes are some of the best here. Here's another one: Teacher: What is 5 times 4? Pupil: 20. Teacher: Good. Pupil: It's not just good, it's perfect! Teacher: No it's not. 6 and 28 are perfect, not 20.