Dumb (Jokes) Thread

[Orgasmic Troll]

Originally Posted by xilman

That's the problem with political jokes --- they get elected.

I'm a firm believer that the old ones are the best

Paul

So you're voting for McCain?

eta: You know, for ... prime ... minstrel or whatever you have in that weird state.

[Xyzzy]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the Arizona dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-10 toward Tucson, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.' The old gentleman paused and then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with an Arizona State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the Trooper.

[ET_]

http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons...1&mode=classic

[Xyzzy]

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your 'eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I thought that I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning... Today you voted for us!"

[Xyzzy]

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and said, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! Of course I would. I would do that in an instant! I would be nuts to pass up an opportunity like that!"

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two sluts."

[10metreh]

[rogue]

Originally Posted by 10metreh

That is why this is called the Lounge...

[Xyzzy]

A tandem rider is stopped by a police car.

"What have I done, officer?" asks the rider.

"Perhaps you didn't notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back!"

"Oh, thank God for that," says the rider, "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

[davieddy]

Originally Posted by 10metreh

Try reading post#1 (from five years ago)
Then its resurrection (courtesy of Ernst) in 2006 in post #6.
Then feel ashamed at your lame attempts at taking
over mersenneforum.

[99.94]

A Southern Baptist preacher checks into a hotel and says to the receptionist 'I hope the porn channel on my TV is disabled'.

She replies 'No sir, it's just ordinary porn, you sick bastard'.

[10metreh]

How many sexists are there on this forum?