Dumb (Jokes) Thread

[BlisteringSheep]

Originally Posted by retina

I always kind of thought that is was more like each user is given a solid block of steel, a hand file and a rubber tree seedling, and then had to go off and make their own car in whatever way they fancied. Oh sorry, my mistake, that is LINUX.

Originally Posted by jasong

No, with Linux, you have the OPTION of doing it that way. Plus, you can choose to drive anything from a gas-guzzling Hummer to a golf cart. Except that the golf cart can go 200 miles per hour if that's what's needed. And both the Hummer and the golf cart can fly if you're willing to spend some time in the user manual.

Okay, I'm done with my metaphors. Carry on.

How about this: there's a large warehouse compound containing everything from fully assembled models to sub-assemblies to individual parts to blocks of steel. You get to pick and choose to make your own custom vehicle that does what you want. If "what you want" == "turn the key and drive", then you can choose the model you want: the convertible (RedHat), luxury sedan (SUSE), station wagon (Debian), panel truck (Slackware), etc... But you can still reach in the parts bin to pick up options (Firefox vs. Seamonkey, GNOME vs. KDE, Thunderbird vs. Kmail, etc.).

[Xyzzy]

Station wagon?

[xilman]

Originally Posted by petrw1

“Two of the most famous products of Berkeley are LSD and Unix. I don’t think that this is a coincidence.” - Unknown

Discovering Unix is not so much a "ah-ha!" experience as a "Holy shit!" experience.

I first started using Unix in 1980, and (a) still rather like it and (b) use it essentially every day. You may find that either awe-inspiring, or sad, or both.

Paul

P.S. Unix's idiosyncrasies are no worse than using the Start menu item to shut down the system, or dragging icons for removable media to the trash-can not to delete their contents but to eject the media. What were they thinking of?

[jasong]

Originally Posted by xilman

Unix's idiosyncrasies are no worse than using the Start menu item to shut down the system... What were they thinking of?

lol, I don't think I've ever really considered how counter-intuitive that is.

[BlisteringSheep]

Originally Posted by Xyzzy

Station wagon?

Sure. It's practical, and lots of people who could really use one get something bigger and flashier instead.

It really wasn't meant to be disparaging.

And I forgot the finicky English sports car that you spend all of your weekends tinkering on (Gentoo).

[petrw1]

The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house...

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it’s a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "I’ll have to think about that. -- The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. It’s the only way."

Bill: “Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

[petrw1]

10) You can't use 5-1/4" floppy disks.
9) You can't go shopping with your friends for a Sound Blaster board because Macs don't need one.
8) Your 200 MHz 604e Mac does integer calculation equivalent to a 362 MHz Pentium Pro, but you can only brag about 200 MHz.
7) Networking a Mac is not an impressive feat.
6) Macs don't come in black, and we all know black cabinets make computers faster and louder.
5) You have to add a system extension to make Mac menus stay down like Windows. We like pokey menus because it's too hard to hold that heavy mouse button down while we read.
4) And the Mac mouse is too slow. We want our cursor to fly wildly off the screen when we twitch our wrist because hyper cursors make our PCs look faster.
3) You just plug Macs in and they work. Where's the challenge in that?
2) When you add stuff, you just plug them in and they work, too. Again, no challenge.
1) Your clients and teachers know about Numbers 2 and 3, so they expect Mac users to deliver results, not excuses!

[petrw1]

Get A Life

It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones. Here's how:

Let go of the mouse.

Turn off the computer.

Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

Eat something other than taco chips.

Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.

Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.

Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible). Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.

Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name.

Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.

[petrw1]

"They're calling it shops or 's-commerce' and it's being rolled out in cities and towns nationwide.

"It's a real revelation," according to Tom Ginsberg, a systems engineer from Markham. "You just walk into one of these shops and they have all sorts of things for sale."

Ginsberg was particularly impressed by a clothes shop he discovered while browsing in downtown Oshawa. "Shops seem to be the ideal medium for transactions of this type. I can actually try out a jacket and see if it fits me. Then I can visualize the way I would look if I was wearing the clothing." This is possible using a high definition 2D viewing system, or "mirror" as it has become known.

Shops, which are frequently aggregated into shopping portals or "high streets", are becoming increasingly popular with the cash-rich time-poor generation of new consumers. Often located in densely populated areas people can find them extremely convenient.

And Tom is not alone in being impressed by shops. "Some days I just don't have the time to download huge Flash animations of rotating trainers and then wait five days for them to be delivered in the hope that they will actually fit," says Sally Shields, a systems analyst from Vancouver.

"This way I can actually complete the transaction in real time and walk away with the goods."

Being able see whether or not shoes and clothing fit has been a real bonus for Shields, "I used to spend my evenings boxing up stuff to return. Sometimes the clothes didn't fit, sometimes they just sent the wrong stuff." Shops have a compelling commercial story to tell too, according to Gartner Group retail analyst Barry Townsend. "There are massive efficiencies in the supply chain. By concentrating distribution to a series of high volume outlets in urban centers-typically close to where people live and work-businesses can make dramatic savings in fulfillment costs. Just compare this with the wasteful practice of delivering items piecemeal to people's homes." Furthermore, allowing consumers to receive goods when they actually want them could mean an end to the frustration of returning home to find a dispatch notice telling you that your goods are waiting in a delivery depot the other side of town.

But it's not just the convenience and timesaving that appeals to Ginsberg,

"Visiting a shop is real relief for me. I mean as it is I spend all day in front of a #$*%@*^ computer."

[petrw1]

"Santa Claus is Coming to town"


better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus < north pole > town

cat /etc/passwd > list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice > giftlist
santa claus < north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | grep bad || good
for (goodness sake) {
be good
}

[petrw1]

% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% "How would you rate Dan Quayle’s incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% ^How did the sex changeSHIFT6 operation go?
Modifier failed.

//replace SHIFT6 with ^

% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent,
what would I have?
Too many (’s.
% make love
Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.

These attempts at humor work with the Bourne shell:

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink < bottle ; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create