Dumb (Jokes) Thread - Page 26

Fusion_power · 2007-09-18, 19:28

Finally there is proof that Al Gore invented the Internet.

Oh yeah? What?

If you monitor the data packets on the net for a few days, a pattern emerges. Convert that pattern to percussion audio and you will hear a beat that expresses a universal procedure to solve all mathematical equations. It has a signature that is distinctively Al Gore's.

How can you tell?

Easy! Its an Al Gore Rhythm.

Spherical Cow · 2007-09-18, 22:44

I thought I had seen all possible "Blonde Jokes", but got one today that is a real groaner- Just in case you somehow missed this one, too...

A friend stops by to visit a blonde, and sees she has two new dogs. "What lovely dogs! What are their names?" she asks.

The blonde responds "I had to name that one Rolex, and the other one is Timex."

"Those are odd names. Why did you have to give them those names?" the friend asks.

"Well, DUHHH!!! These are watch dogs!"

Norm

Flatlander · 2007-09-19, 14:17

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they come across some tracks.
The first blonde says "I think these are deer tracks."
The second blonde says "No, no. These are bear tracks."
The third blonde was about to speak when they were all killed by a train.

R.D. Silverman · 2007-09-19, 14:51

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flatlander

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they come across some tracks.
The first blonde says "I think these are deer tracks."
The second blonde says "No, no. These are bear tracks."
The third blonde was about to speak when they were all killed by a train.

Why do blondes have black and blue belly buttons??

Because blonde guys are dumb too.

Xyzzy · 2007-09-19, 17:19

.

akruppa · 2007-09-19, 17:34

Alex

Fusion_power · 2007-10-13, 01:45

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician who taught probability theory goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes."

The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is THAT to happen?"

petrw1 · 2007-10-23, 22:23

"Unix - the 'special olympics' of business software" - Unknown

“Unix is to computing as Etch-a-Sketch is to art” - Unknown

“Two of the most famous products of Berkeley are LSD and Unix. I don’t think that this is a coincidence.” - Unknown

"I get the feeling I'm on the edge of a breakthrough in my understanding of The Unix Way. Please give me another small brain hemorrhage and help be cross that threshold." - Jerry Leichter

"If society ran the same way UNIX does, everyone who owned a car would be forced to refine their own gasoline from barrels of crude..." -David Fuller

“The wonderful thing about (Unix) standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.” - Grace Murray Hopper

“Ken Thompson (Unix co-creater) has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the other numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes a mistake, a giant “?” lights up in the center of the dashboard. “The experienced driver,” says Thompson,“will usually know what’s wrong.”” - Unknown

“Not having sendmail is like not having VD.” - Ron Heiby

“If the designers of X Windows built cars, there would be no fewer than five steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same principles—but you’d be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful feature, that.” - Marcus J. Ranum

“I have a natural revulsion to any operating system that shows so little planning as to have to named all of its commands after digestive noises (awk, grep, fsck, nroff)” - Unknown

“Using these (Unix) toolkits is like trying to make a bookshelf out of mashed potatoes”. - Jamie Zawinski

“Programming X Windows is like trying to find the square root of pi using roman numerals.” - Unknown

"Raise your hand if you remember when file systems had version numbers." -Alan Bawden

“My judgment of Unix is my own. About six years ago (when I first got my workstation), I spent lots of time learning Unix. I got to be fairly good. Fortunately, most of that garbage has now faded from memory. However, since joining this discussion, a lot of Unix supporters have sent me examples of stuff to “prove” how powerful Unix is. These examples have certainly been enough to refresh my memory: they all do something trivial or useless, and they all do so in a very arcane manner. One person who posted to the net said he had an “epiphany” from a shell script (which used four commands and a script that looked like line noise) which renamed all his '.pas' files so that they ended with “.p” instead. I reserve my religious ecstasy for something more than renaming files. And, indeed, that is my memory of Unix tools—you spend all your time learning to do complex and peculiar things that are, in the end, not really all that impressive. I decided I’d rather learn to get some real work done.” - Jim Giles, Los Alamos National Laboratory

“I liken starting one’s computing career with Unix, say as an undergraduate ,to being born in East Africa. It is intolerably hot, your body is covered with lice and flies, you are malnourished and you suffer from numerous curable diseases. But, as far as young East Africans can tell, this is simply the natural condition and they live within it. By the time they find out differently, it is too late. They already think that the writing of shell scripts is a natural act.” - Ken Pier, Xerox PARC

“One of the advantages of using UNIX to teach an operating systems course is the sources and documentation will easily fit into a student’s briefcase.” - John Lions, University of New South Wales

“The best documentation is the UNIX source. After all, this is what the system uses for documentation when it decides what to do next! The manuals paraphrase the source code, often having been written at different times and by different people than who wrote the code .Think of them as guidelines. Sometimes they are more like wishes…Nonetheless, it is all too common to turn to the source and find options and behaviors that are not documented in the manual. Sometimes you find options described in the manual that are unimplemented and ignored by the source.” - Life with Unix

“The most horrifying thing about Unix is that, no matter how many times you hit yourself over the head with it, you never quite manage to lose consciousness. It just goes on and on.” - Patrick Sobalvarro

“Do not meddle in the affairs of Unix, for it is subtle and quick to core dump.” – Unknown

“If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.” - A Unix programmer

“Q. Where did the names “C” and “C++” come from? A. They were grades.” - Jerry Leichter

“Unix is computer-scientology, not computer science”. - Dave Mankins

“Pretty daring of you to be storing important files on a Unix system.” - Robert E. Seastrom

“The “N” in NFS stands for Not, or Need, or perhaps Nightmare.” - Henry Spencer

retina · 2007-10-24, 05:28

Quote:

Originally Posted by petrw1

"If society ran the same way UNIX does, everyone who owned a car would be forced to refine their own gasoline from barrels of crude..." -David Fuller

I always kind of thought that is was more like each user is given a solid block of steel, a hand file and a rubber tree seedling, and then had to go off and make their own car in whatever way they fancied. Oh sorry, my mistake, that is LINUX.

jasong · 2007-10-24, 09:55

Quote:

Originally Posted by retina

I always kind of thought that is was more like each user is given a solid block of steel, a hand file and a rubber tree seedling, and then had to go off and make their own car in whatever way they fancied. Oh sorry, my mistake, that is LINUX.

No, with Linux, you have the OPTION of doing it that way. Plus, you can choose to drive anything from a gas-guzzling Hummer to a golf cart. Except that the golf cart can go 200 miles per hour if that's what's needed. And both the Hummer and the golf cart can fly if you're willing to spend some time in the user manual.

Okay, I'm done with my metaphors. Carry on.

bsquared · 2007-10-24, 11:57

By far the best metaphors I've read dealing with many different OS's come from Neal Stephenson. Download and read "In the beginning was the command line" http://www.cryptonomicon.com/beginning.html

- ben

2007-09-19, 14:17	#278
Flatlander I quite division it "Chris" Feb 2005 England 31·67 Posts	Three blondes were walking through the forest when they come across some tracks. The first blonde says "I think these are deer tracks." The second blonde says "No, no. These are bear tracks." The third blonde was about to speak when they were all killed by a train. Last fiddled with by Flatlander on 2007-09-19 at 14:20

2007-09-19, 17:19	#280
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 5×17×97 Posts	. Attached Thumbnails

2007-09-19, 17:34	#281
akruppa "Nancy" Aug 2002 Alexandria 100110100011₂ Posts	Alex Attached Thumbnails

2007-10-23, 22:23	#283
petrw1 1976 Toyota Corona years forever! "Wayne" Nov 2006 Saskatchewan, Canada 3·5·313 Posts	UNIX Quotes "Unix - the 'special olympics' of business software" - Unknown “Unix is to computing as Etch-a-Sketch is to art” - Unknown “Two of the most famous products of Berkeley are LSD and Unix. I don’t think that this is a coincidence.” - Unknown "I get the feeling I'm on the edge of a breakthrough in my understanding of The Unix Way. Please give me another small brain hemorrhage and help be cross that threshold." - Jerry Leichter "If society ran the same way UNIX does, everyone who owned a car would be forced to refine their own gasoline from barrels of crude..." -David Fuller “The wonderful thing about (Unix) standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.” - Grace Murray Hopper “Ken Thompson (Unix co-creater) has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the other numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes a mistake, a giant “?” lights up in the center of the dashboard. “The experienced driver,” says Thompson,“will usually know what’s wrong.”” - Unknown “Not having sendmail is like not having VD.” - Ron Heiby “If the designers of X Windows built cars, there would be no fewer than five steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same principles—but you’d be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful feature, that.” - Marcus J. Ranum “I have a natural revulsion to any operating system that shows so little planning as to have to named all of its commands after digestive noises (awk, grep, fsck, nroff)” - Unknown “Using these (Unix) toolkits is like trying to make a bookshelf out of mashed potatoes”. - Jamie Zawinski “Programming X Windows is like trying to find the square root of pi using roman numerals.” - Unknown "Raise your hand if you remember when file systems had version numbers." -Alan Bawden “My judgment of Unix is my own. About six years ago (when I first got my workstation), I spent lots of time learning Unix. I got to be fairly good. Fortunately, most of that garbage has now faded from memory. However, since joining this discussion, a lot of Unix supporters have sent me examples of stuff to “prove” how powerful Unix is. These examples have certainly been enough to refresh my memory: they all do something trivial or useless, and they all do so in a very arcane manner. One person who posted to the net said he had an “epiphany” from a shell script (which used four commands and a script that looked like line noise) which renamed all his '.pas' files so that they ended with “.p” instead. I reserve my religious ecstasy for something more than renaming files. And, indeed, that is my memory of Unix tools—you spend all your time learning to do complex and peculiar things that are, in the end, not really all that impressive. I decided I’d rather learn to get some real work done.” - Jim Giles, Los Alamos National Laboratory “I liken starting one’s computing career with Unix, say as an undergraduate ,to being born in East Africa. It is intolerably hot, your body is covered with lice and flies, you are malnourished and you suffer from numerous curable diseases. But, as far as young East Africans can tell, this is simply the natural condition and they live within it. By the time they find out differently, it is too late. They already think that the writing of shell scripts is a natural act.” - Ken Pier, Xerox PARC “One of the advantages of using UNIX to teach an operating systems course is the sources and documentation will easily fit into a student’s briefcase.” - John Lions, University of New South Wales “The best documentation is the UNIX source. After all, this is what the system uses for documentation when it decides what to do next! The manuals paraphrase the source code, often having been written at different times and by different people than who wrote the code .Think of them as guidelines. Sometimes they are more like wishes…Nonetheless, it is all too common to turn to the source and find options and behaviors that are not documented in the manual. Sometimes you find options described in the manual that are unimplemented and ignored by the source.” - Life with Unix “The most horrifying thing about Unix is that, no matter how many times you hit yourself over the head with it, you never quite manage to lose consciousness. It just goes on and on.” - Patrick Sobalvarro “Do not meddle in the affairs of Unix, for it is subtle and quick to core dump.” – Unknown “If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.” - A Unix programmer “Q. Where did the names “C” and “C++” come from? A. They were grades.” - Jerry Leichter “Unix is computer-scientology, not computer science”. - Dave Mankins “Pretty daring of you to be storing important files on a Unix system.” - Robert E. Seastrom “The “N” in NFS stands for Not, or Need, or perhaps Nightmare.” - Henry Spencer

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2007-09-18, 19:28	#276
Fusion_power Aug 2003 Snicker, AL 7·137 Posts	Finally there is proof that Al Gore invented the Internet. Oh yeah? What? If you monitor the data packets on the net for a few days, a pattern emerges. Convert that pattern to percussion audio and you will hear a beat that expresses a universal procedure to solve all mathematical equations. It has a signature that is distinctively Al Gore's. How can you tell? Easy! Its an Al Gore Rhythm.

2007-09-18, 22:44	#277
Spherical Cow Nov 2004 2²×3³×5 Posts	I thought I had seen all possible "Blonde Jokes", but got one today that is a real groaner- Just in case you somehow missed this one, too... A friend stops by to visit a blonde, and sees she has two new dogs. "What lovely dogs! What are their names?" she asks. The blonde responds "I had to name that one Rolex, and the other one is Timex." "Those are odd names. Why did you have to give them those names?" the friend asks. "Well, DUHHH!!! These are watch dogs!" Norm

2007-10-13, 01:45	#282
Fusion_power Aug 2003 Snicker, AL 7·137 Posts	Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician who taught probability theory goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?" The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there." The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes." The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is THAT to happen?"

2007-10-24, 11:57	#286
bsquared "Ben" Feb 2007 110111000010₂ Posts	By far the best metaphors I've read dealing with many different OS's come from Neal Stephenson. Download and read "In the beginning was the command line" http://www.cryptonomicon.com/beginning.html - ben