Dumb (Jokes) Thread - Page 23

Xyzzy · 2007-07-09, 08:36

A woman wrote to Dear Abby:

I have a dilemma. I am about to get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiancé. My mother is a well-known madam, my father is a convict, and my brother is a lawyer. My sister sells heroin to the children at the school down the street. She started doing that after my father got sent to prison for molesting her. I also have a problem in that I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement.

Taking all that into consideration, this is my question:

How do I tell my fiancé that my brother drives a Chevy?"

hhh · 2007-07-09, 13:24

Hey Xyzzy, did you have a Clown for breakfast today, as we say in Germany?

BTW, what is the european equivalent of a Chevy? H.

Cruelty · 2007-07-09, 13:29

Opel Manta?

bsquared · 2007-07-09, 17:12

Quote:

Originally Posted by hhh

BTW, what is the european equivalent of a Chevy? H.

Ford vs. Chevy is a classic brand loyalty debate and I don't know if there is a european equivalent. There is really nothing wrong with Chevy, unless you happen to be a Ford owner, and you will find equally many jokes at the expense of Ford vechicles as with Chevy. For instance...

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking.

Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"

m_f_h · 2007-07-10, 22:51

Quote:

Originally Posted by hhh

Hey Xyzzy, did you have a Clown for breakfast today, as we say in Germany?

Indeed, at that rate HE should rather start looking for unexpensive hard drives in the TB range to contain the mersenneforum database...(some additional quad core CPU's and some GB of spare RAM for the mysql server wouldn't harm either...)

PS: regarding Chevy - yes I think Opel Manta is some valid German parallel, although not exactly equivalent

Xyzzy · 2007-07-11, 01:06

Quote:

...in the TB range to contain the mersenneforum database...

Some fun forum statistics:

Data Usage 72.09 MB
Index Usage 33.88 MB
Attachment Usage 58.84 MB

BlisteringSheep · 2007-07-16, 04:42

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

BlisteringSheep · 2007-07-16, 04:45

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cow-shed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did.(Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George"

Xyzzy · 2007-07-21, 20:01

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big, tall cowboy walked in and asked, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and answered, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and replied, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse outside is about dead!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel better."

So Tonto took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his beer. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do! What's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing... But you left your injun running."

Xyzzy · 2007-07-22, 17:49

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies." he responded.

"Oh. Did you get any?" she asked.

"Yep. Three males and two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."

petrw1 · 2007-07-23, 20:55

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
________________________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
________________________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
________________________________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor __ B. Minor __ C. Minor __ D. Trivial __

5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up __ B. Frozen __ C. Hung __ D. Strange Smell __

6. Is your computer plugged in?
Yes __ No __

7. Is it turned on?
Yes __ No __

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
Yes __ No __

9. Have you made it worse?
Yes __

10. Have you had a friend who knows all about computers. Try to fix it for you?
Yes __ No __

11. Did they make it even worse?
Yes __

12. Have you read the manual?
Yes __ No __

13. Are you sure you've read the manual?
Maybe __ No __

14. Are you absolutely sure you've read the manual?
No __

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it?
Yes __ No __

16. If Yes, then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
________________________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
________________________________________________________________

18. If you answered nothing, then explain why you were logged in?
________________________________________________________________

19. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?
Yes __ No __

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00?
Yes __ What's a VCR? __

21. Do you have a copy of PCs for Dummies?
Yes __ No __

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem?
Yes __ No __

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work?
Yes __ No __

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on?
Yes __ No __

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top?
Yes __ No __

26. Is the machine on fire?
Yes __ Not Yet __

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me?
Yes __

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2007-07-09, 08:36	#243
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 5×17×97 Posts	A woman wrote to Dear Abby: I have a dilemma. I am about to get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiancé. My mother is a well-known madam, my father is a convict, and my brother is a lawyer. My sister sells heroin to the children at the school down the street. She started doing that after my father got sent to prison for molesting her. I also have a problem in that I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement. Taking all that into consideration, this is my question: How do I tell my fiancé that my brother drives a Chevy?"

2007-07-09, 13:24	#244
hhh Jun 2005 373 Posts	Hey Xyzzy, did you have a Clown for breakfast today, as we say in Germany? BTW, what is the european equivalent of a Chevy? H.

2007-07-09, 13:29	#245
Cruelty May 2005 3130₈ Posts	Opel Manta?

2007-07-16, 04:42	#249
BlisteringSheep Oct 2006 On a Suzuki Boulevard C90 2×3×41 Posts	Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

2007-07-16, 04:45	#250
BlisteringSheep Oct 2006 On a Suzuki Boulevard C90 2·3·41 Posts	LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cow-shed? WITNESS: I did. LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond? WITNESS: I did. LAWYER: And did you observe anything? WITNESS: I did.(Witness remains silent.) LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw? WITNESS: I saw George. LAWYER: You saw George *****, the defendant in this case? WITNESS: Yes. LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ***** was doing? WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.) LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so? WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks. LAWYER: His "thing"? WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis. LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly? WITNESS: Yes. LAWYER: Did you say anything to him? WITNESS: Of course I did! LAWYER: What did you say to him? WITNESS: "Morning, George"

2007-07-21, 20:01	#251
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 5·17·97 Posts	The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big, tall cowboy walked in and asked, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and answered, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and replied, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse outside is about dead!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel better." So Tonto took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his beer. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do! What's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing... But you left your injun running."

2007-07-22, 17:49	#252
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 10000000110101₂ Posts	A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies." he responded. "Oh. Did you get any?" she asked. "Yep. Three males and two females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."

2007-07-23, 20:55	#253
petrw1 1976 Toyota Corona years forever! "Wayne" Nov 2006 Saskatchewan, Canada 3×5×313 Posts	Computer Problem Report Form 1. Describe your problem: ________________________________________________________________ 2. Now, describe the problem accurately: ________________________________________________________________ 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: ________________________________________________________________ 4. Problem Severity: A. Minor __ B. Minor __ C. Minor __ D. Trivial __ 5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up __ B. Frozen __ C. Hung __ D. Strange Smell __ 6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __ 7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __ 8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __ 9. Have you made it worse? Yes __ 10. Have you had a friend who knows all about computers. Try to fix it for you? Yes __ No __ 11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __ 12. Have you read the manual? Yes __ No __ 13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe __ No __ 14. Are you absolutely sure you've read the manual? No __ 15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes __ No __ 16. If Yes, then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself. ________________________________________________________________ 17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? ________________________________________________________________ 18. If you answered nothing, then explain why you were logged in? ________________________________________________________________ 19. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes __ No __ 20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes __ What's a VCR? __ 21. Do you have a copy of PCs for Dummies? Yes __ No __ 22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes __ No __ 23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes __ No __ 24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes __ No __ 25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes __ No __ 26. Is the machine on fire? Yes __ Not Yet __ 27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes __