Dumb (Jokes) Thread - Page 22

Xyzzy · 2007-07-09, 07:39

A man applied for a sales position in a big city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area and you could get anything there.

The Boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country." said the man.

The Boss liked him, and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

Well the day was long but finally closing time came around. The Boss arrived and asked, "So how many sales did you make today?"
"One." said the man.
"Only one?" blurted the Boss, "Most of my staff make over 20 sales a day! By the way, how much was the sale?"
"Forty-nine thousand three hundred and fifty four dollars." said the man.
"WHAT?! How did you manage that?"
"Well this gentleman came in and I sold him a package of small fishing hooks, then a package of medium fishing hooks, and finally a package of really large fishing hooks. Then I sold him some small fishing line, some medium fishing line, and some really heavy-duty line. Then I sold him a light weight fishing rod, a medium fishing rod, and a heavy-duty fishing rod. I asked him where he was thinking of going fishing and he told me just down the coastline a ways. So I said that he'd probably be needing a boat, and I took him down to the boat department and I sold him that twenty-five foot fishing boat with the twin engines. Then he indicated that his Chevy probably wouldn't be able to pull his new boat, so I took him to the automotive department and sold him a new Ford to pull it with."

The Boss took two steps back and looked at him in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in to buy fishing hooks?"

"Well, not exactly." answered the man, "You see, he actually came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'You know, your weekend is probably shot so you may as well go fishing!'"

Xyzzy · 2007-07-09, 07:41

This couple is having a baby. The doctor tells the couple that there is a new experimental device that can transfer some of the pain of labor from the mother to the father. The guy is kind of leery of this but agrees to accept 10 percent. The mother immediately notices a 10 percent decrease in pain and the guy says, "Hey, there's nothing to it, bump me up to 20 percent." The mother is grateful for the additional relief and the husband says, "So this is all there is to childbirth? Give me all of it, 100 percent!" The mother goes through completely painless childbirth, so much so that they are all able to go home from the hospital the same day.

When they arrive home, they find the milkman dead on the front lawn.

Xyzzy · 2007-07-09, 07:44

Andy and Bob are walking their dogs in the park.
Andy says, "Let's go to a bar and get a beer."
Bob says, "They won't let us in with these dogs."
Andy says, "Don't worry. Just follow my lead."
Andy goes into the bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
Andy says, "I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog."
The bartender says, "Oh, sorry bud. Have a seat."
Bob hears all this and walks in.
The bartender says, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
Bob says, "I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog."
The bartender growls, "That poodle is a seeing eye dog?!"
Bob says, "What? They gave me a Poodle?"

Xyzzy · 2007-07-09, 07:57

A Ford owner drove up to a rancher who was sitting on his front porch in a rocking chair along with his dog. Parked out front was a Chevy. It happens that the Ford owner was also a ventriloquist, and, not having a whole lot of respect for Chevy owners, he thought he'd mess with this guy's mind a little.

Ford owner to the Chevy owner: "Mind if I talk to your dog here?"
Chevy owner: "That dog don't talk!"
Ford owner: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Chevy owner: (Extreme look of shock.)
Ford owner: (Pointing at Chevy driver.) "Is this your owner?"
Dog: "Yep."
Ford owner: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food."
Chevy driver: (Stunned look of disbelief.)

Ford owner to the Chevy owner: "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?"
Chevy owner: "Horses don't talk!"
Ford owner calls out: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Chevy driver: (An even wilder look of shock.)
Ford driver: (Pointing at Chevy owner.) "Is this your owner?"
Horse: "Yep."
Ford owner: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regular, brushes me down often."
Chevy owner: (Total look of amazement.)

Ford owner to the Chevy owner: "Mind if I talk to one of those sheep?"
Chevy owner: (Stuttering and hardly able to talk himself.) "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

Xyzzy · 2007-07-09, 08:01

A transcontinental trucking company was interviewing husband/wife teams for hire, and asked a couple what they would do if they had just crested a hill in a ice storm, and looked down to notice that at the bottom of the hill was a railroad track on which a train was running.

"Well, I would wake up my husband." said the wife.

The interviewer asked, "Why would you do that?"

She replied, "Because he ain't never seen a wreck like this one."

Xyzzy · 2007-07-09, 08:05

Once upon a time, in a little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my!" said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no balls. So, I'd have to say you must be a lawyer."

Xyzzy · 2007-07-09, 08:20

AUG 21 - Moved to our new home in New York. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see pure white snow covering them.

OCT 14 - New York is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of yellow, red and orange. Went for a drive through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. They are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.

NOV 11 - Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a beautiful creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

DEC 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white fluff. It looks like a picture postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. Felt good. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snowplow came by, we shoveled the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I will sleep good tonight, it's so pretty. I love New York.

DEC 12 - More snow last night. I love it. It's just beautiful. The snowplow did his trick again to the driveway; sure getting my exercise. Snow on roads getting brown. I love it here.

DEC 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. Am exhausted from shoveling. ******* snowplow.

DEC 22 - More of that white *** fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the curve and waits till I'm done shoveling the driveway. *******!

DEC 25 - Merry ******* Christmas! More ******* snow. Fell on my driveway. If I ever get my hands on that ***-**-*-***** who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill the *******. Don't know why they don't use MORE SALT on the roads to MELT the ******* ICE.

DEC 27 - More white **** last night. Been in jail here for three days except for shoveling out the driveway over and over after that ******* snowplow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of white ****, no power, no water. Radio batteries getting weak. The weatherman says to expect another ten inches of the **** again tonight. Do you know how many shovels of snow TEN INCHES is?

DEC 28 - The ******* weatherman was wrong, jerk! We got 34 inches of that white **** this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck up the road and that ******* came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken SIX shovels already shoveling all the **** he keeps pushing in the driveway, I broke the last one OVER his ******* head!

JAN 4 - FINALLY got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food. On the way back a stupid deer ran in front of my car and I hit it. Did $3,000 worth of damage to the car. Those ******* beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

MAY 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Can't believe the thing is RUSTING OUT from all that ******* SALT they put all over the roads.

MAY 10 - Moved to North Carolina. I can't imagine why ANYONE in their right mind would ever live in that GOD-FORSAKEN State of New York.

Xyzzy · 2007-07-09, 08:24

Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Xyzzy · 2007-07-09, 08:25

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Xyzzy · 2007-07-09, 08:27

Yesterday, a scientist for a leading research hospital suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 bottles of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.

Xyzzy · 2007-07-09, 08:29

A group of Florida residents were exchanging notes about their ailments.

"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."

"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"

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2007-07-09, 07:39	#232
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 5·17·97 Posts	A man applied for a sales position in a big city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area and you could get anything there. The Boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country." said the man. The Boss liked him, and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." Well the day was long but finally closing time came around. The Boss arrived and asked, "So how many sales did you make today?" "One." said the man. "Only one?" blurted the Boss, "Most of my staff make over 20 sales a day! By the way, how much was the sale?" "Forty-nine thousand three hundred and fifty four dollars." said the man. "WHAT?! How did you manage that?" "Well this gentleman came in and I sold him a package of small fishing hooks, then a package of medium fishing hooks, and finally a package of really large fishing hooks. Then I sold him some small fishing line, some medium fishing line, and some really heavy-duty line. Then I sold him a light weight fishing rod, a medium fishing rod, and a heavy-duty fishing rod. I asked him where he was thinking of going fishing and he told me just down the coastline a ways. So I said that he'd probably be needing a boat, and I took him down to the boat department and I sold him that twenty-five foot fishing boat with the twin engines. Then he indicated that his Chevy probably wouldn't be able to pull his new boat, so I took him to the automotive department and sold him a new Ford to pull it with." The Boss took two steps back and looked at him in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in to buy fishing hooks?" "Well, not exactly." answered the man, "You see, he actually came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'You know, your weekend is probably shot so you may as well go fishing!'"

2007-07-09, 07:41	#233
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 5·17·97 Posts	This couple is having a baby. The doctor tells the couple that there is a new experimental device that can transfer some of the pain of labor from the mother to the father. The guy is kind of leery of this but agrees to accept 10 percent. The mother immediately notices a 10 percent decrease in pain and the guy says, "Hey, there's nothing to it, bump me up to 20 percent." The mother is grateful for the additional relief and the husband says, "So this is all there is to childbirth? Give me all of it, 100 percent!" The mother goes through completely painless childbirth, so much so that they are all able to go home from the hospital the same day. When they arrive home, they find the milkman dead on the front lawn.

2007-07-09, 07:44	#234
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 5·17·97 Posts	Andy and Bob are walking their dogs in the park. Andy says, "Let's go to a bar and get a beer." Bob says, "They won't let us in with these dogs." Andy says, "Don't worry. Just follow my lead." Andy goes into the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" Andy says, "I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender says, "Oh, sorry bud. Have a seat." Bob hears all this and walks in. The bartender says, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" Bob says, "I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender growls, "That poodle is a seeing eye dog?!" Bob says, "What? They gave me a Poodle?"

2007-07-09, 07:57	#235
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 5×17×97 Posts	A Ford owner drove up to a rancher who was sitting on his front porch in a rocking chair along with his dog. Parked out front was a Chevy. It happens that the Ford owner was also a ventriloquist, and, not having a whole lot of respect for Chevy owners, he thought he'd mess with this guy's mind a little. Ford owner to the Chevy owner: "Mind if I talk to your dog here?" Chevy owner: "That dog don't talk!" Ford owner: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." Chevy owner: (Extreme look of shock.) Ford owner: (Pointing at Chevy driver.) "Is this your owner?" Dog: "Yep." Ford owner: "How's he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food." Chevy driver: (Stunned look of disbelief.) Ford owner to the Chevy owner: "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?" Chevy owner: "Horses don't talk!" Ford owner calls out: "Hey horse, how's it goin?" Horse: "Cool." Chevy driver: (An even wilder look of shock.) Ford driver: (Pointing at Chevy owner.) "Is this your owner?" Horse: "Yep." Ford owner: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regular, brushes me down often." Chevy owner: (Total look of amazement.) Ford owner to the Chevy owner: "Mind if I talk to one of those sheep?" Chevy owner: (Stuttering and hardly able to talk himself.) "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

2007-07-09, 08:01	#236
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 5×17×97 Posts	A transcontinental trucking company was interviewing husband/wife teams for hire, and asked a couple what they would do if they had just crested a hill in a ice storm, and looked down to notice that at the bottom of the hill was a railroad track on which a train was running. "Well, I would wake up my husband." said the wife. The interviewer asked, "Why would you do that?" She replied, "Because he ain't never seen a wreck like this one."

2007-07-09, 08:05	#237
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 5×17×97 Posts	Once upon a time, in a little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my!" said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you! thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no balls. So, I'd have to say you must be a lawyer."

2007-07-09, 08:20	#238
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 5×17×97 Posts	AUG 21 - Moved to our new home in New York. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see pure white snow covering them. OCT 14 - New York is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of yellow, red and orange. Went for a drive through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. They are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here. NOV 11 - Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a beautiful creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here. DEC 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white fluff. It looks like a picture postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. Felt good. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snowplow came by, we shoveled the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I will sleep good tonight, it's so pretty. I love New York. DEC 12 - More snow last night. I love it. It's just beautiful. The snowplow did his trick again to the driveway; sure getting my exercise. Snow on roads getting brown. I love it here. DEC 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. Am exhausted from shoveling. ***** snowplow. DEC 22 - More of that white * fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the curve and waits till I'm done shoveling the driveway. *****! DEC 25 - Merry *** Christmas! More *** snow. Fell on my driveway. If I ever get my hands on that ---*** who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill the ***. Don't know why they don't use MORE SALT on the roads to MELT the *** ICE. DEC 27 - More white last night. Been in jail here for three days except for shoveling out the driveway over and over after that *** snowplow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of white , no power, no water. Radio batteries getting weak. The weatherman says to expect another ten inches of the again tonight. Do you know how many shovels of snow TEN INCHES is? DEC 28 - The *** weatherman was wrong, jerk! We got 34 inches of that white this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck up the road and that *** came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken SIX shovels already shoveling all the he keeps pushing in the driveway, I broke the last one OVER his *** head! JAN 4 - FINALLY got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food. On the way back a stupid deer ran in front of my car and I hit it. Did $3,000 worth of damage to the car. Those *** beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November. MAY 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Can't believe the thing is RUSTING OUT from all that ***** SALT they put all over the roads. MAY 10 - Moved to North Carolina. I can't imagine why ANYONE in their right mind would ever live in that GOD-FORSAKEN State of New York.

2007-07-09, 08:24	#239
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 5×17×97 Posts	Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive? A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

2007-07-09, 08:25	#240
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 5·17·97 Posts	An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

2007-07-09, 08:27	#241
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 5×17×97 Posts	Yesterday, a scientist for a leading research hospital suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 bottles of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.

2007-07-09, 08:29	#242
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 20065₈ Posts	A group of Florida residents were exchanging notes about their ailments. "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup." "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee." "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck." "My blood pressure pills make my dizzy." "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old." "Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"