Dumb (Jokes) Thread - Page 21

mfgoode · 2007-06-05, 08:54

Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you
know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr.
Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big
disappointment to me.

You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and
talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
realize you never will amount to anything more than
a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to
do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.
Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench
and in a quiet voice said:

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."

Mally

ewmayer · 2007-06-07, 19:15

A married couple were awakened by a call at 2 a.m. The wife, a blonde, picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up. Her husband asked, “Who was that?” She replied, “I don’t know; some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”

Xyzzy · 2007-06-14, 23:08

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter tells him that heaven is full of all types of people and he can talk to them about anything he wants. Einstein is excited and rushes out to see who he can meet.

He finds an interesting-looking fellow and asks his IQ--the man says 185. "Wow," says Einstein,"do you want to discuss physics with me?"

He meets another guy later on and asks his IQ--130 says the man. "Wow," says Einstein, "do you want to talk about poetry with me?"

At the end of the day, Einstein meets a guy and asks his IQ--85 the man says. Einstein replies "what do you think interest rates are going to do?"

petrw1 · 2007-06-20, 17:22

God, Moses and technology
--------------------------
"Excuse me, sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, sir."
"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh yeah. I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"
"I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me."
"You mean the commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them'! Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No sir. I forgot."
"Well, My Son always saves, Moses."
"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think that is spamming, Moses."
"Oh yeah. I emailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what he did say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"
"They're called viruses, Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them."
"We'll do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice, because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"
"Say goodnight, Moses."
"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets. How does 'same day air' sound?"
===================================

davar55 · 2007-06-22, 19:29

Heisenberg got pulled over for speeding.

The cop asked: "Do you know how fast you were going?"

And Heisenberg answered: "No, but I know where I am!"

mfgoode · 2007-07-08, 07:35

> * EARRINGS *
> A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old
> friend.
> What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an
> earring.
> The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was
> curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
> The farmer walked up to him and said, "I didn't know you were into
> earrings."
> "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the fellow replied
> sheepishly.
> The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the
> best of him and he asked, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
> "Ever since my wife found it in my truck," the man replied.

Mally

> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Xyzzy · 2007-07-09, 07:15

Alex received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

Alex tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Alex put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

Alex was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Alex's extended arm and said, "I'm terribly sorry that I have offended you with my language and actions. I beg for your forgiveness."

Alex was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did to upset you?"

Xyzzy · 2007-07-09, 07:23

George has been in the software for many years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.

George sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Enoch. Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Friday night. Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says George, "After six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving, he stops, "Gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem.. After 25 years in the software business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Damn, Sam thinks, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem!" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

Xyzzy · 2007-07-09, 07:25

There are two women getting ready to leave for work. The brunette gets in
the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat. The
brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops."
As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do you see any
cops?"
The blonde replies, "Yes."
The brunette says, "Are they behind us?"
"Yes."
"Are they close?"
"Yes."
"Are they going to stop us?"
"I don't know."
The brunette says, "Well, are their lights on?"
The blonde replies, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes."

Xyzzy · 2007-07-09, 07:27

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.
The girl approaches the boy and says,
"Hey Paul, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate."
He says to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband.

Xyzzy · 2007-07-09, 07:29

Two guys were speeding through Texas and were pulled over by a state
trooper. He pulls out his night stick and taps on the window. The guy
rolls down the window and BAM! The trooper hits him in the head.

The guy screams, "What did you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Boy, don't you know you're in Texas. Next time have the
window down and your license already out!"

The trooper proceeds to write him the ticket and then walks around to the
other side and taps on the window. The second guy rolls down the window
and BAM! Gets hit with the night stick. The guy screams, "What did you
do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

They guy looks confused and says, "What are you talking about?"

The trooper says, "Five miles down the road you would have said, 'I wish
that cop would have tried that mess on me.'"

2007-06-05, 08:54	#221
mfgoode Bronze Medalist Jan 2004 Mumbai,India 2²·3³·19 Posts	Black mail! Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair." Mally

2007-06-07, 19:15	#222
ewmayer ∂²ω=0 Sep 2002 República de California 19×613 Posts	Dumb Blond Joke #31415926535897932384626433832795 A married couple were awakened by a call at 2 a.m. The wife, a blonde, picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up. Her husband asked, “Who was that?” She replied, “I don’t know; some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”

2007-07-08, 07:35	#226
mfgoode Bronze Medalist Jan 2004 Mumbai,India 100000000100₂ Posts	Earring! > * EARRINGS * > A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old > friend. > What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an > earring. > The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was > curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." > The farmer walked up to him and said, "I didn't know you were into > earrings." > "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the fellow replied > sheepishly. > The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the > best of him and he asked, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" > "Ever since my wife found it in my truck," the man replied. Mally > --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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2007-06-14, 23:08	#223
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 5·17·97 Posts	Einstein dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter tells him that heaven is full of all types of people and he can talk to them about anything he wants. Einstein is excited and rushes out to see who he can meet. He finds an interesting-looking fellow and asks his IQ--the man says 185. "Wow," says Einstein,"do you want to discuss physics with me?" He meets another guy later on and asks his IQ--130 says the man. "Wow," says Einstein, "do you want to talk about poetry with me?" At the end of the day, Einstein meets a guy and asks his IQ--85 the man says. Einstein replies "what do you think interest rates are going to do?"

2007-06-20, 17:22	#224
petrw1 1976 Toyota Corona years forever! "Wayne" Nov 2006 Saskatchewan, Canada 4695₁₀ Posts	God, Moses and technology -------------------------- "Excuse me, sir." "Is that you again, Moses?" "I'm afraid it is, sir." "What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?" "How did you guess?" "I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?" "Oh yeah. I forgot." "Tell me what you want, Moses." "But you already know. Remember?" "Moses!" "Sorry sir." "Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!" "I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me." "You mean the commandments, Moses?" "That's it. I was wondering if they were important." "What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you." "Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that." "What do you mean 'you lost them'! Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?" "No sir. I forgot." "Well, My Son always saves, Moses." "Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though." "And did you hear back from any of them?" "You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he change the words a little bit?" "Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning." "And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?" "Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that." "I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?" "I think that is spamming, Moses." "Oh yeah. I emailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer." "And what he did say?" "You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?" "They're called viruses, Moses." "Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them." "We'll do it the new way, Moses." "I was afraid you would say that, sir." "Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?" "You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer." "It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?" "No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?" "No, Moses." "One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice, because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?" "I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to." "Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?" "Say goodnight, Moses." "Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back." "Which ones are they, Moses?" "Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'" "Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets. How does 'same day air' sound?" ===================================

2007-06-22, 19:29	#225
davar55 May 2004 New York City 5·7·11² Posts	Heisenberg got pulled over for speeding. The cop asked: "Do you know how fast you were going?" And Heisenberg answered: "No, but I know where I am!"

2007-07-09, 07:15	#227
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 5×17×97 Posts	Alex received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Alex tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Alex put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. Alex was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Alex's extended arm and said, "I'm terribly sorry that I have offended you with my language and actions. I beg for your forgiveness." Alex was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did to upset you?"

2007-07-09, 07:23	#228
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 5×17×97 Posts	George has been in the software for many years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. George sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch. Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Friday night. Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says George, "After six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving, he stops, "Gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem.. After 25 years in the software business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem!" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

2007-07-09, 07:25	#229
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 5×17×97 Posts	There are two women getting ready to leave for work. The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat. The brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do you see any cops?" The blonde replies, "Yes." The brunette says, "Are they behind us?" "Yes." "Are they close?" "Yes." "Are they going to stop us?" "I don't know." The brunette says, "Well, are their lights on?" The blonde replies, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes."

2007-07-09, 07:27	#230
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 5×17×97 Posts	A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Paul, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate." He says to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband.

2007-07-09, 07:29	#231
Xyzzy "Mike" Aug 2002 20065₈ Posts	Two guys were speeding through Texas and were pulled over by a state trooper. He pulls out his night stick and taps on the window. The guy rolls down the window and BAM! The trooper hits him in the head. The guy screams, "What did you do that for?" The trooper says, "Boy, don't you know you're in Texas. Next time have the window down and your license already out!" The trooper proceeds to write him the ticket and then walks around to the other side and taps on the window. The second guy rolls down the window and BAM! Gets hit with the night stick. The guy screams, "What did you do that for?" The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true." They guy looks confused and says, "What are you talking about?" The trooper says, "Five miles down the road you would have said, 'I wish that cop would have tried that mess on me.'"