Dumb (Jokes) Thread

[Patrick123]

Originally Posted by Uncwilly

If you change it to Wellsley it is even funnier.

I see what you mean, I can't edit it, maybe a Mod. will do the honors.

[mfgoode]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off
the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of
condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted. And so did I!

Mally

[JHansen]

Wondering if any of you can help with my dilemma?

I would be most grateful for any advice you could give on this matter of deep concern to me, as I am now in two minds about what to do.

For sometime now I've suspected that my girl maybe having an affair. You know the sort of thing. The phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.
Recently she has started going out 'with the girls' a lot and when I ask which girls it's always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".
I always used keep an eye out for her taxi coming home, but now she always walks up the street, although I can hear a car setting off as if she has just got out of one around the corner.
The other day I picked up her mobile, just to see what time it was, and she went mental, screaming at me that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with her. I kind of think deep down I don't really want to know the truth.
But then last night she went out again and I decided that I would check up on her. I hid behind my car which I knew would give me a good view of the whole street so I could see which car she got out of on her return.
It was whilst I crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
Do you think I should take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?



--
Cheers,
Jes

[petrw1]

Eventually, Bill dies and Satan is there to greet him. "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the blonde is in drag!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows Vista!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

[petrw1]

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says . . .

And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land." And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so." And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother William's drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "Whoopee!" said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.

[Xyzzy]

Guy comes home from work one day.
Sees a snail on his front steps.
Picks up the snail and tosses it in the bushes.
Two weeks go by.
Guy comes home from work again and there's the same snail on the same step.
Snail says, "What was that all about?".

[petrw1]

Three programmers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a programmer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three programmers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the programmers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the programmers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an programmer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three programmers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the programmers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."

[petrw1]

To my darling husband......
Dear John,

I am sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since GIMPS entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun. Lars--I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed around, although that feather duster does make you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't smother. Well, dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars - Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of thing while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring your meals to your desk, -just the way you like it. I hope you and GIMPS have a lovely time while we are gone.

Tommy, Jen and I think of you often - try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary.

[petrw1]

Ed finally decides to take a break from his job in network support. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life--until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...nothing...only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, ‘Where did you come from? How did you get here?’

‘I rowed from the other side of the island,’ she says. ‘I landed here when my cruise ship sank.’

‘Amazing,’ he says. ‘You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.’

‘Oh, this?’ replies the woman. ‘I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches. And the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.’

‘But, but, that's impossible,’ stutters Ed. ‘You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?’

‘Oh, that was no problem,’ replies the woman. ‘On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.’ Ed is stunned. ‘Let's row over to my place,’ she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, ‘It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?’

‘No, no, thank you.’ he says, still dazed. ‘Can't take any more coconut juice.’ ‘It's not coconut juice,’ the woman replies. ‘I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?’
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,

‘I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.’

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. ‘Wow! This woman is amazing!’ he muses, ‘What next?’

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. ‘Tell me,’ she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, ‘We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know...’ She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing: ‘You mean---’, he swallows excitedly, ‘I can check my email from here?!’

[R.D. Silverman]

Originally Posted by petrw1

<snip>

An MIT ME undergrad was walking down the street when a gorgeous blond
came riding up to him, jumped off the bicycle, ripped off all her clothes and
told the nerd that he could have anything he wanted.......

He was a practical kind of guy; he knew that the clothes wouldn't fit him, so
he took the bike.

[mfgoode]

Well after the last two rib ticklers from from Petrw1 and Silverman I do agree that some guys are real dumb when it comes to women.

Here's one that was going the rounds when I was in Kenya.

A foreign tourist had a bonus overnight stopover in Nairobi due to engine failure and was housed in the luxurious Hilton hotel renowned for its towering circular shape.

Not knowing how to pass his time he rambled in the Lobby eyeing the receptionists and sales girls.

Well he was spotted by the high class 'crack' salesman who approached him with a tempting offer.

" I have an ebony black woman from an aristocratic family from Somalia who is a refugee here. You are a white man and I'm sure you would like to try her out. She only takes $20 for the night "

The tourist thought to himself 'well that's not much for Western standards. Back home I would hardly get a full meal for that."

So he okayed the deal and soon a gorgeous black in a stunning figure hugging dress and stiletto heels knocked at his suite. She was in a shiny white dress for contrast.

Well now I know why they say 'black is beautiful' he thought to himself.


He opened the electronic door latch and then put the safety lock on with A DND card hanging out on the door knob.

Well after formalities of polite conversation they soon got down to business.

She requested him to put out all the lights as she said its better in pitch darkness and so he complied. And so he had a night of fun he had never ever experienced one like this before.

She left early the next morning and he went down for breakfast.

There he met the same fellow he met last night who recommended the girl.

"How was it?" the tourist was asked.

'Great man! just great! I had four rounds and she was in such ecstasy that she kept on hollering 'Mambo! Mambo' every round.

'Is that so?' replied the pimp. Suppressing a laugh he chuckled "That means 'wrong hole! wrong hole'!! I'm glad you enjoyed her!"

Mally