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[science_man_88]

Originally Posted by xilman

Don't get mad, get even

is that similar to : don't go mad, be odd. ?

[jnml]

Originally Posted by science_man_88

is that similar to : don't go mad, be odd. ?

Yup. You have to be odd to be number one ;-)

[chalsall]

Originally Posted by Dubslow

We have hundreds of thousands of years of hominid evolution under our belt to be wary of people outside our family/clan, because no matter what words or friendliness or peace they express, they often may have ultimately your own downfall in the heart.

I think it is fair to say that even within a family/clan, ill-will can manifest. But I accept your point -- "outsiders" are more likely to want to do better than you do (particularity in a "closed" system with constrained resources).

Originally Posted by Dubslow

So, if you are clear headed enough to tamp down the (powerful) emotional response to separate the two scenarios, then all the more power to you.

At the end of the day, you are alone.

How you choose to live your life is up to you, and only you. Outside influences will of course be important, but you are in the driver's seat.

[retina]

The only person that controls your emotions is you.

[Dubslow]

Originally Posted by xilman

if the target refuses to be hurt

A lot easier said than done. You, me and chalsall are obviously capable and practiced in this technique, but a lot of people in the world have a tough time of it, usually through no fault of their own (such as lack of will power, which could be thought of as "one's own fault").

Originally Posted by retina

The only person that controls your emotions is you.

A lot of people would dispute that they have control over their own emotions. There are a wide variety of physiological conditions that can render one's biological response to stimuli impossible to control via means of higher-level cognition.

[xilman]

Originally Posted by science_man_88

is that similar to : don't go mad, be odd. ?

Yup, if by "odd" you mean "behave in an unexpected manner".

[retina]

Originally Posted by Dubslow

A lot of people would dispute that they have control over their own emotions. There are a wide variety of physiological conditions that can render one's biological response to stimuli impossible to control via means of higher-level cognition.

I disagree. Emotions are generated within the brain. If someone is ridiculing you and saying bad things about your mother in Ancient Egyptian (presumably a language you are not familiar with) would you get upset? What if the same things were said in English? It is the understanding, not the biological stimuli (sound in your ears), that you respond to.

[chalsall]

Originally Posted by Dubslow

A lot of people would dispute that they have control over their own emotions. There are a wide variety of physiological conditions that can render one's biological response to stimuli impossible to control via means of higher-level cognition.

Not impossible to control. Not easy, but not impossible.

I was very lucky that I was well trained. In very many different areas.

As an example, I once found myself at ~85 feet below the surface of the ocean within which I was scuba diving. My mouth-piece came away from the regulator. I tried to take a breath -- water. I breathed out again and tried to take a breath. Water.

I remember very clearly and calmly thinking "Oh, OK. So this is how I'm going to die." But then the training kicked in, and I reached for the secondary regulator (via the "octopus" on my BC) and took a breath.

Again... At the end of the day, you are alone.

[Brian-E]

Originally Posted by chalsall

Not impossible to control. Not easy, but not impossible.

I was very lucky that I was well trained. In very many different areas.

As an example, I once found myself at ~85 feet below the surface of the ocean within which I was scuba diving. My mouth-piece came away from the regulator. I tried to take a breath -- water. I breathed out again and tried to take a breath. Water.

I remember very clearly and calmly thinking "Oh, OK. So this is how I'm going to die." But then the training kicked in, and I reached for the secondary regulator (via the "octopus" on my BC) and took a breath.

Again... At the end of the day, you are alone.

I would suggest there are two mechanisms here: practical response and emotional response. Most of us are equipped to deal with and survive emergency situations, inherited through evolutionary processes and supplemented by specialist knowledge (in this case your training as a scuba diver). For these situations emotion is automatically shelved and we react practically in a way which maximises our survival chances. Emotional response comes later.

I wonder how you felt an hour after surfacing that day and how well you slept the night following that incident. I suspect you had little difficulty because you are probably someone who has good control over your emotional response to adverse situations (judging by the arguments you make here). But I know I would have been going over the incident in my mind for weeks afterwards, obsessing about the implications ("why didn't I automatically grab that second regulator?...why did I have to even think?...isn't my life too important to risk diving anymore in the future?").

Interaction with other people, I think, also involves the two different mechanisms: immediate practical response, and secondary emotional response. In my everyday job I deal directly with the public and am sometimes involved in difficult confrontations. From all the training I have received, I know full well that I must not dwell on difficult confrontations and rudeness from people, and I must simply (1) deal with the situation appropriately at the time, and (2) then forget about it and move on. I usually manage part (1) without too much problem, using my customer relations training to defuse the situation. But I have never mastered part (2) in 17 years of doing that work. I always go through the incident in my mind countless times afterwards, brooding and fretting, and it can take a few days before I'm feeling alright after a particularly difficult incident.

I know my emotional response is irrational and pointless and I know I should be quelling it. But I can't.

To those who say everyone should grow a thicker skin, I say: you're right, but unfortunately not all of us can.

[xilman]

Originally Posted by Brian-E

From all the training I have received, I know full well that I must not dwell on difficult confrontations and rudeness from people, and I must simply (1) deal with the situation appropriately at the time, and (2) then forget about it and move on. I usually manage part (1) without too much problem, using my customer relations training to defuse the situation. But I have never mastered part (2) in 17 years of doing that work. I always go through the incident in my mind countless times afterwards, brooding and fretting, and it can take a few days before I'm feeling alright after a particularly difficult incident.

I know my emotional response is irrational and pointless and I know I should be quelling it. But I can't.

To those who say everyone should grow a thicker skin, I say: you're right, but unfortunately not all of us can.

I'd say that you have grown a thicker skin because of what you have been trained as your first response. What you do in the privacy of your own skull is entirely a matter for you and no-one else (unless you wish to confer with a counsellor, of course). The abuse stops at part (1); it does not continue in an unseemly public display of childish tantrums.

[Batalov]

There is a word (apparently far from my circles) of which I only learned yesterday, and surprisingly from a Russian-language newspaper. It made into Russian as a calque and apparently is also a thing there according to a google search.

The word is kidult.