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Old 2006-03-10, 05:19   #12
Fusion_power's Avatar
Aug 2003
Snicker, AL

26×3×5 Posts

I'll post this one but please don't take it personally EWMayer.

An American, an Englishman, and a German all went into a bar to have a brew. As it happened, there was a fly in each of their mugs when they were served. The Englishman immediately called for another brew. The American carefully dipped the fly out of his brew and proceeded to drink. The German fished the fly out, put it on the bar, and in his best gutteral, said "SPIT IT OUT!".

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Old 2006-03-10, 09:50   #13
Mystwalker's Avatar
Jul 2004
Potsdam, Germany

14778 Posts

Old ones:

What's the first instruction in german cook books?
"First, you occupy the kitchen."

What do you get when you throw a hand-grenade into a french kitchen?
Linoleum Blownapart
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Old 2006-03-10, 16:01   #14
Citrix's Avatar
Jun 2003

22×397 Posts

Originally Posted by mfgoode

A very, very, ugly woman walks into a shop with her two sons.
A man asks her, "are they twins?"
Puzzled the woman replies, "no, one is 3 years old and the other is 10. Why
do you ask"
The man replies: "no particular reason, i just can't believe someone went to bed with you twice".
Mally :coffee
very funny! The best one so far.
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Old 2006-03-10, 16:14   #15
I quite division it
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Feb 2005

31×67 Posts

Did you hear about the man with two left feet who went into a shoe shop and bought a pair of flip-flips?
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Old 2006-03-10, 16:21   #16
I quite division it
Flatlander's Avatar
Feb 2005

31×67 Posts

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.
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Old 2006-03-10, 17:52   #17
ewmayer's Avatar
Sep 2002
República de California

267318 Posts

A three-legged dog limps into an old west saloon and says, "I'm a-lookin fer the man who shot my paw."

Last fiddled with by ewmayer on 2006-03-10 at 21:13
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Old 2006-03-10, 19:08   #18
Fusion_power's Avatar
Aug 2003
Snicker, AL

17008 Posts

You can find this one at

Its a good joke, not really a dumb one, but maybe points out how dumb people can be at times.

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it.
A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After hanging up with her I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're a jerk!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'jerk' next to it and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're a jerk!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area I thought my therapeutic 'jerk' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" he yelled, "no!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first jerk (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW jerk, too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're a jerk!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two jerks to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called jerk #1. "Hello" "You're a jerk!" I shouted, but I didn't hang up. "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me!" he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Jerk, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beemer out front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, jerk." Then I called jerk #2: "Hello?" he said. "Hello jerk," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, jerk, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two jerks beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
Now I feel better.
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Old 2006-03-11, 02:24   #19
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Jan 2004

1000000001002 Posts
Talking Dumb Jokes Thread

Then there is the father who laments the fact that three of his children are in graduate school. He says that he is getting poorer by degrees!
Mally :coffee.
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Old 2006-03-11, 04:09   #20
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Jun 2003

22·397 Posts

I like this one from the site pointed above:
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Old 2006-03-11, 11:08   #21
amcfarlane's Avatar
Nov 2004

2·19 Posts

1917, The Western Front.

French Fighter Ace Jean-Pierre has just shot down his 40th Hun and has been granted a 48 hr pass in Paris. He goes to his usual café and buys 3 bottles of his favourite tipple then heads off to his usual house of Red Light, where he is introduced to the new girl, Fifi.

They get down to business and he starts kissing her. Suddenly he stops, uncorks a bottle of Bordeaux, pourning it over Fifi’s head. She splutters and asks what’s going on, so he tells her, “I am Jean-Pierre, fighter ace, when I kiss the red lips I drink the red wine of France”!

Fifi is impressed and Jean-Pierre undresses her down to her boobs. He then uncorks a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and pours it over her chest. Fifi is bemused again, so he tells her, “I am Jean-Pierre, fighter ace, when I kiss the white breasts I drink the white wine of France”.

“How romantic”, gushes Fifi.

By now she is naked and Jean-Pierre opens his last bottle, a Napoleon Brandy, pours it over her kitty, lights a match and sets fire to her bush. Fifi is horrified, reaches for a jug of water and as she douses herself she screams “what the hell do you think you’re doing”?

He shrugs and says, “I am Jean-Pierre, fighter ace. If I go down, I go down in flames”.
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Old 2006-03-11, 18:18   #22
Spherical Cow
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Nov 2004

22·33·5 Posts

Also from the Jumbo Jokes site:

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was
10,000 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household.
You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family.
Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

"I don't know," the man replied. "My wife told me to stand here."

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