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Old 2008-12-15, 23:25   #364
lycorn
 
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Sep 2002
Oeiras, Portugal

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Orgasmic Troll View Post
I feel like I've been stabbed in the brain with a butter knife.
Yeah, the helmet you´re wearing is not protective enough (too many slots)...
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Old 2008-12-23, 00:10   #365
ewmayer
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Sep 2002
República de California

1118210 Posts
Default You have two cows, revisited

Updated version of the old standby "you have two cows..." joke:
Quote:
SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have two cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

COMMUNISM
You have two cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

WALL STREET CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new President of theUnited States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead and ask the Treasury to buy you a new one.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called "Cowkimon" and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. Nobody believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
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Old 2008-12-25, 21:38   #366
potonono
 
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Jun 2005
USA, IL

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There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
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Old 2008-12-29, 22:57   #367
davieddy
 
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Dec 2006
England

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"I'm sorry to say that the fees have gone up by £x per anum"
"Can't we just pay through the nose as usual?"
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Old 2008-12-29, 23:04   #368
Orgasmic Troll
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Jul 2003

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Quote:
Originally Posted by davieddy View Post
"I'm sorry to say that the fees have gone up by £x per anum"
"Can't we just pay through the nose as usual?"
heh, that made me chuckle to myself :)
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Old 2008-12-29, 23:21   #369
davieddy
 
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Dec 2006
England

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Orgasmic Troll View Post
heh, that made me chuckle to myself :)
THX I wasn't sure how well that joke would travel.
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Old 2009-01-04, 01:35   #370
Batalov
 
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"Serge"
Mar 2008
Phi(3,3^1118781+1)/3

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Default not only dumb, but also very old; needs an update

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?
CLINTON : I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual relations with that chicken.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook.
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BUSH: ...?

/this dumb joke was found on my old hard drive, dated something like 1999, when nobody cared about Bush/
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Old 2009-01-04, 04:56   #371
Batalov
 
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Mar 2008
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Default (another HD cleanup victim)

"Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway."
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Old 2009-01-09, 16:01   #372
BlisteringSheep
 
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Oct 2006
On a Suzuki Boulevard C90

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Two mice were trembling in their mousehole as they hear the approach of a cat: "Meow. Meoowww." But then they hear an angry: "Woof-woof!" and a hissing and a scampering of paws. And after that, silence.

Slowly the mice emerge from their hole, only to be pounced upon and devoured by the cat. With a satisfied burp, the cat says: "So glad I learned a second language!"

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Old 2009-01-09, 16:05   #373
BlisteringSheep
 
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Oct 2006
On a Suzuki Boulevard C90

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First friend is sitting and whiling away the time. Second friend walks by carrying a cat.

First friend calls out, lazily: "Where are you going?"

Second friend answers, lazily: "To the river. To wash the cat."

First friend observes: "It is very cold today. The cat will die."

Second friend replies: "The cat will not die."

A little later Second friend returns, without the cat.

First friend asks: "Where's the cat?"

Second friend mopes: "It's dead."

First friend can't help it: "I told you that would happen. It is very cold today."

Second friend, miserably: "It wasn't the cold."

First friend: "Then what was it?"

With much distress, Second friend holds up his fists and demonstrates: "It happened when I was wringing it dry!"

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Old 2009-01-11, 20:19   #374
ewmayer
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Sep 2002
República de California

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Default The Top 500 Worst Passwords of All Time

http://www.whatsmypass.com/?p=415
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