[QUOTE=xilman;529962]He: Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you.

She: I'm pregnant.[/QUOTE]

He: I'm not. See, told ya!

I hired a landscape gardener, but he said he couldn't help, because my garden was portrait.

I've got the memory of an elephant. I remember this one time, I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

I found this great origami porn channel. Unfortunately it's paper view only.

My wife was really annoyed when I admitted I had another marriage, but I thought it was rather bigamy.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

[QUOTE=retina;530010]I hired a landscape gardener, but he said he couldn't help, because my garden was portrait.[/QUOTE]
Who's side is he on, anyway?

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C.

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they go ARRRR...

Mini-Me asks me: "Is it true that in some Eastern cultures a man doesn't get to know who his bride is before the wedding?" I reply with a sigh: "It's like that in every culture."

Me: "Your mother and I had been happy for 20 years." Mini-Me: "What happened to change that?" Me: "We met each other."

Mini-Me asks me: "What is happiness?"
Me: "You'll know what happiness is once you get married."
Mini-Me: "I will?"
Me: "Yes, but by then it will be too late."

Does anyone know if it's possible to have a skin graft taken, from a buttock, to donate to someone who isn't a relative? Ass skin for a friend.

I ate four cans of alphabet soup ... and just had the largest vowel movement ever. You have to move your vowels, or else you get consonated.

When I was a child my father used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it. I didn't really, he was just putting words in my mouth.

I met a girl with twelve nipples. Sounds funny. Dozen tit.

I made a belt out of watches. It was a complete waist of time.

[QUOTE=retina;530187]I made a belt out of watches. It was a complete waist of time.[/QUOTE]And this is a waist of space.

Fun fact: A gynaecologist is technically a Customer Cervix Specialist.

Science tip: You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later, or in a while.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

I don't know why Marvel hasn't tried to put ads on the Hulk. Essentially he's a giant banner.

I recently sat and watched all those films that supposedly "turn your life around". Unfortunately there was an even number of the films so my life is still the same.

It's annoying when you are not superstitious and don't believe in the signs, but the traffic police do.

My minions dared me to only wear sandals during the rest of winter. I said I'd do it, but now I'm getting cold feet.

Stephen King has a son named Joe. I'm not joking, but he is.

If I had a DeLorean I would probably drive it from time to time.

Are tectonic plates dishwasher safe? I don't know, but they are perfect for continental breakfast.

My neighbour's sexy daughter called me. She said "Come over, nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

Mini-Me asked "What's a neologism?" I didn't know "Neologism? That's a word you just made up."

I asked the lion in my wardrobe what he was doing in there. He said it was Narnia business.

Mini-Me said "I just watched that film about the Nazis". I asked "Oh yeah, the one with Adolf in?" Mini-Me said "No. You're thinking of 'Flipper', this was just about the Nazis."

A flock of terns was in a field of marijuana and ate all the plants. There was no tern left unstoned.

As it says in Genesis:

[C]* .[/C]

[SPOILER]Go Forth and multiply for those who can't easily read from right to left.[/SPOILER]

[QUOTE=retina;530445]<snip>
A flock of terns was in a field of marijuana and ate all the plants. There was no tern left unstoned.[/QUOTE]
A flock of naturists was at the beach and spent all day in the sun. There was no stern left untoned.