If a psychic is annoyingly cheerful, does it make you want to strike a happy medium?

Fun fact: if you gather all the people in the world and line them up along the equator, around three quarters of them will drown.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.

People think I’m weird because I swallowed an abacus. Don’t they realize it’s what’s inside that counts?

What do you call a camel with no humps? Humphrey.

If a cop asks you whether you had any drugs in the last 24 hours, immediately looking at your watch is not the best idea.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been feeling miserable and depressed, but I’ve managed to turn it all around, and now I'm depressed and miserable.

A perfect woman must be able to do 70 things. Cooking and 69.

I can understand bicycles. They're pretty simple. I have no problem understanding boats. I even have a pretty good grasp of cars. But airplanes go completely over my head.

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

[QUOTE=retina;529580]. . .
A perfect woman must be able to do 70 things. Cooking and 69.
. . .[/QUOTE]I heard 77 is better. You get 8 more.

When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

Saw an ad that said "Radio for sale. Volume dial broken, stuck on full." I thought "I can't turn that down."

What do you call a wolf man who doesn't know about his curse? An unawarewolf.

"If the dean doesn't take his words back I won't return to the university."
"What did he say to you?"
"You are expelled!"

Why did the cross eyed teacher get fired? Because he couldn't control his pupils.

How do you turn a mosquito into a vegetable? Squash it.

It's kind of funny how everyone seems to sleep a bit differently. For example I prefer to sleep on my right side, my friend always sleeps on his back, and my ex sleeps around.

Why does the Norwegian Navy have bar codes on the sides of their ships? When they come back to port, they can Scandinavian.

Over the weekend I went to the clothing store to buy some camouflage pants. But I couldn't find any.

I just realized it's been years since I've done the hokey pokey. I guess I forgot what that was all about.

Marriage is solving together all the problems you wouldn't even have if you lived alone.

Mini-Me: "I missed my bus so I just ran after it the whole way home and saved us 2 dollars."
Me: "You fool, you could've run after a cab and saved 20 dollars instead."

Which rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.

The stick was arguably one of the first steps on the path of human evolution. The selfie stick is one of the first steps back.

I saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing. He replied, "I'm just checking my balance."

[QUOTE=retina;529788]Marriage is solving together all the problems you wouldn't even have if you lived alone.

Mini-Me: "I missed my bus so I just ran after it the whole way home and saved us 2 dollars."
Me: "You fool, you could've run after a cab and saved 20 dollars instead."

Which rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.

The stick was arguably one of the first steps on the path of human evolution. The selfie stick is one of the first steps back.

I saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing. He replied, "I'm just checking my balance."[/QUOTE]

Some of your best … IMHO

The Past, Present, and Future walk into a Bar ... it was tense.

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is: You don't talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club.

Lord Nelson was 5ft 6inches. His Statue is 17ft 4inches. That’s Horatio of 3:1.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he neverlands. I love this joke because it never grows old.

Some people seem to think it's cool that you can now 3D print guns. I'm not impressed, I've had a canon printer for years.

[QUOTE=retina;529901]Lord Nelson was 5ft 6inches. His Statue is 17ft 4inches. That’s Horatio of 3:1.[/QUOTE]Reminds me of Monty Python's
[INDENT][i]The most interesting thing about King Charles the First is that he was 5 foot 6 inches tall at the start of his reign, but only 4 foot 8 inches tall at the end of it.[/i]
[/INDENT]
It's also well known, to British-educated people of a certain age, that King Charles walked and talked half an hour after his head was cut off.

[QUOTE=xilman;529907]It's also well known, to British-educated people of a certain age, that King Charles walked and talked half an hour after his head was cut off.[/QUOTE]Also of that genre: Dead sons photos may be released.

He: Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you.

She: I'm pregnant.