[QUOTE=retina;527727]
So, a doe walks out of the forest, and says: "That's the last time I do that for two bucks."
[/QUOTE]Jeez, a talking deer, and you go for the cheap shot.

[QUOTE=kriesel;527817]Jeez, a talking deer, and you go for the cheap shot.[/QUOTE]I wouldn't want to raise the intellectual level. :cmd:

My wife must be psychic. My phone wasn't working so I called her from one of my minion's phones and she answered straight away with "Hi honey".

I came home from visiting my mother-in-law in the hospital and said to my wife "I think your mother wants to live with us." She asked "Why?" I said "The doctor said we have to prepare for the worst."

Why did the partially blind man fall down a well? He couldn't see that well.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He's never gonna give you Up.

Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays.

[QUOTE=retina;527900]Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays.[/QUOTE]I believe you'll find the real reason is that it was because he was called by name and not called by value.

How much does it cost to buy corn from a pirate? A buck an ear.

A group of minions were throwing $1 bills at each other after a particularly bad equipment failure. Turns out they were just passing the buck.

Did you know the Devil wears a wig? But shhh... don't tell anyone. If word got out, there'd be hell toupée.

Mini-me asks me "What's an alcoholic?" I reply "Ermm ... see those two trees over there? An alcoholic would see four trees instead." Mini-me says "There's just one tree there."

What is so unpleasant about being drunk? You ask a glass of water.

[QUOTE=retina;527976]<snip>
What is so unpleasant about being drunk? You ask a glass of water.[/QUOTE]Thank you, Mr. Prefect...

[QUOTE=Dr Sardonicus;527979]Thank you, Mr. Prefect...[/QUOTE]RIP D.N.A. :sad:

[QUOTE=retina;526482]Two scientists walk into a bar, and decide to have a drinking contest.
The first walks up to the barmaid and says, "I'll have a glass of H2O, please."
The second scientist says, "I'll have a glass of H2O, too."
The first scientist won.

An atom says to another: "I think I've lost an electron!"
The other replies: "Are you sure?"
The first: "I'm positive!"

I would have set a goal for next year, but I don't have 2020 vision.

Why is love on the electromagnetic spectrum?
Because you can measure it in hurts.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter.[/QUOTE]
"I would make another chemistry joke, but all good Argon"

My wife left me because I am too insecure. Oh, wait, no. She's back. Just went to the other room momentarily.

Mountains aren't just funny, they are hill areas.

I've accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to all my friends and acquaintances. Not only it was thoroughly embarrassing, I nearly went broke on all the envelopes and stamps.

What's the difference between an oyster shucker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhoea? One shucks between fits ...

A man was arrested yesterday after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it. He's due to be baled tomorrow.

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He was eating pizza before it was cool.

A clown held the door open for me this morning. That was a nice jester.

Courage, determination, honesty. Three main effects of being drunk.

When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my dad. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

What is the most used language in programming? Profanity.

I'm getting Mini-Me a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

I think I use my F1 key too often. Don't worry though, I'm trying to get help.

I ate a frozen apple the other day. I know what you're thinking, hardcore.

A man who took an airline to court over his missing luggage has lost his case.

Me: Excuse me, I need to book a doctor's appointment. Receptionist: OK, how about 10 tomorrow? Me: No, I don't need that many.