I have an unnatural phobia of German sausages. I fear the wurst.

Last Christmas I bought my mother in law a Jack Daniels T-shirt having previously told me she enjoyed encounters with spirits. She looked angry and said "I'm a medium". But that isn't true because XXXL fits her perfectly.

I used to play Rugby when I was younger. I don't think I was very good though as people kept saying "Nice try."

The jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

The weather service said there would be fog today, but I'm looking through the window and I don't see a thing.

[color=#F5F5FF]I honestly don't like to think of it as anal bleaching. I prefer the term changing my ring tone.[/color]

Will glass coffins ever become popular? Remains to be seen.

I walked into an insurance agency and ask them if they had a policy covering jokes. Hilarity insured.

I find it very easy to skim read a non-friction book.

I was up all night wondering where the Sun had gone. Then it dawned on me.

Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?

Who was the first electricity detective? Sherlock Ohms.

What’s a transistor? A nun that's had a sex change.

Where does bad light end up? In a prism.

Before docking with the International Space Station, what must the pilot of a space module first do? Put money in a parking meteor.

Why was Heisenberg such a bad lover? When he got the momentum, he couldn't find the position, and when he found the position, he couldn't muster up the momentum.

Einstein gets on a bus heading into town. He asks the driver “Excuse me, does the central library stop at this bus?”

Today someone told me my evil plans would have grim repercussions. I thought "Aren't they what Death sits on?"

Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.

Coroners are the biggest workaholics. They go to their workplace even after they're dead.

What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Why don't snails respect slugs? Because slugs are nothing but shell-outs.

Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na.

What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.

Bird puns? Toucan play at that game.

[color=#f5f5ff]What's long, hard, and contains cum? A cucumber.[/color]

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

What's the scariest datatype? A BOOlean.

Statistics show that 69% of people will see something lewd in any innocent phrase.

I bought a thesaurus, but when I arrived back to my lair I found all its pages were blank. I have no words for how angry I am.

[QUOTE=retina;527655]Statistics show that 69% of people will see something lewd in any innocent phrase.[/QUOTE]And surveys have found that 18% of all statistics are meaningless.

[QUOTE=xilman;527656]And surveys have found that 18% of all statistics are meaningless.[/QUOTE]And 71.3997% of all claimed values are just made up on the spot.

[QUOTE=retina;527655]I bought a thesaurus, but when I arrived back to my lair I found all its pages were blank. I have no words for how angry I am.[/QUOTE]
I think the words you need may be "Don't judge a book by its cover," a saying which may have originated as follows:

[quote]Mr. Tulliver had listened to this exposition of Maggie’s with petrifying wonder.

“Why, what book is it the wench has got hold on?” he burst out at last.

“The ‘History of the Devil,’ by Daniel Defoe — not quite the right book for a little girl,” said Mr. Riley. “How came it among your books, Mr. Tulliver?”
Maggie looked hurt and discouraged, while her father said —

“Why, it’s one o’ the books I bought at Partridge’s sale. They was all bound alike — it’s a good binding, you see — and I thought they’d be all good books. There’s Jeremy Taylor’s ‘Holy Living and Dying’ among ’em. I read in it often of a Sunday” (Mr. Tulliver felt somehow a familiarity with that great writer, because his name was Jeremy); “and there’s a lot more of ’em — sermons mostly, I think — but they’ve all got the same covers, and I thought they were all o’ one sample, as you may say. But it seems one mustn’t judge by th’ outside. This is a puzzlin’ world.”[/quote]

-- Chapter 3, [url=https://ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/e/eliot/george/e42mf/index.html][u]The Mill on the Floss[/u][/url] by George Eliot, first published 1860.

My doctor said I had only two months to live, so I killed him. The judge gave me thirty years.

So, a doe walks out of the forest, and says: "That's the last time I do that for two bucks."

I tried to start an origami business. It folded.

Did you know you can determine an ant's sex by putting it in the water? If it drowns, it's girl ant. If it floats, it's buoyant.

Reports are coming in of an explosion in a French cheese factory. Initial indications are that there's nothing left but de Brie.

If I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive, would that mean I now have cloud computing?

Two men are standing outside a pet shop looking in the window. One points inside and says "There's the one I'd get". A few seconds later a Cyclops came out and punched him in the face.

Highlighter pens are the future. Mark my words.

A friend of mine did his own sex change operation. I didn't think he could pull it off.

I never wanted to believe that my father was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.