How do railway drivers learn to do their job? They go through training.

I used to have a woodpecker called Woody, until he attacked my wife. I still can't believe Woody would peck her.

Bullets are the only things that do their job only after being fired.

Once a year, David Bowie turns up at our local park and takes the children round the lake in his boat. He rows, just for one day.

I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body. Then I was born.

[QUOTE=retina;526269]Bullets are the only things that do their job only after being fired.[/QUOTE]Crematoria?

[QUOTE=xilman;526280]Crematoria?[/QUOTE]I would imagine crematoria are fired up, rather than just fired?

In addition to bullets. cannon balls, also I guess. Maybe laser light. Probably a few other things as well.

[QUOTE=retina;526269]<snip>
Bullets are the only things that do their job only after being fired.
<snip>[/QUOTE]
Reminds me of an old joke: "I left that job the same way I started it -- fired with alacrity."

[QUOTE=retina;526269]I used to have a woodpecker called Woody, until he attacked my wife. I still can't believe Woody would peck her.
[/QUOTE]
Haha, this also related to Xilman's "therapist" (in fact, we saw that in a Benny Hill clip in the '80s, so it is not exactly "his" :razz:, but he brought it to the forum not long ago), and this is a true story: close to my place there's a MooBaan (village, residential area, in Thai) called "together", and they painted the middle of the banner in a different color (this is quite common in Thailand, all things have a different colored stripe on the middle, maybe because the flag is like that, which in time, as Tofler said in his "third wave", changes people's way of thinking). Now, the mid stripe makes your brain separate the work in strange ways, and every time I drive in front of that Mooban I expect there's some lady living somewhere inside some house, waiting for somebody "to get her". Yeah, dirty mind, I know... :blush:

[QUOTE=Dr Sardonicus;526317]alacrity[/QUOTE]
Had to google that...

I made a bet with my wife I could make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

I once played a video game where you could cut down a tree and then apply a colour to the result. This was done in a dye-a-log dialog box.

I once played a video game where you had to release feathers so they fell into a container. This was done in a drop down box.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Two scientists walk into a bar, and decide to have a drinking contest.
The first walks up to the barmaid and says, "I'll have a glass of H2O, please."
The second scientist says, "I'll have a glass of H2O, too."
The first scientist won.

An atom says to another: "I think I've lost an electron!"
The other replies: "Are you sure?"
The first: "I'm positive!"

I would have set a goal for next year, but I don't have 2020 vision.

Why is love on the electromagnetic spectrum?
Because you can measure it in hurts.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter.

[QUOTE=retina;526482]Two scientists walk into a bar, and decide to have a drinking contest.
The first walks up to the barmaid and says, "I'll have a glass of H2O, please."
The second scientist says, "I'll have a glass of H2O, too."
The first scientist won.
[/QUOTE]The second scientist must not have been a chemist or a linguist, and not very original. Should have asked for a glass of H2O [B]also[/B], or cool water. Or a glass of air.

I considered joining procrastinators anonymous, but last I heard, they're terrible at scheduling the meetings.

Introverts anonymous has no scheduling problem, but attendance is an issue. Participation is more so. [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67AZQBIYFO8[/URL]
[URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0KYU2j0TM4[/URL]

What do you call a man with no limbs in a hole? Phil.What do you call a woman whose legs are not equal in length? Eileen.
How do you top a car? Tep on the brake.

[QUOTE=rogue;521764]Why don't cats play poker?

Too make cheetahs![/QUOTE]
Cats can't hold their liquor or their cards.