There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay. You have my Word.

[QUOTE=retina;525916]<snip>
A Roman walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus."
The bartender replies, "don't you mean a martini?"
The Roman replies, "if I had wanted a double I would have asked for it!"
<snip>[/QUOTE]
Heh-heh. Reminds me...

An American in Berlin goes into a restaurant to order dinner. The waiter asks, "Would you like a drink before dinner?" The man says, "Yes, a dry martini." The waiter says, "Could you repeat that please?" The man says, "Dry martini." The waiter leaves, and returns with three martinis.

And, a few of the "walks into a bar" jokes I've heard over the millennia...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

Q: A seal pup walks into a bar. What does it order?
A: Anything but Canadian Club.

A ghost walks into a bar and asks, "Do you serve spirits here?"

A tall guy walks into a bar and injures his head. . .

[QUOTE=EdH;525994]A tall guy walks into a bar and injures his head. . .[/QUOTE]Ha! [url]https://mersenneforum.org/showpost.php?p=83946&postcount=158[/url]

[QUOTE=retina;525995]Ha! [URL]https://mersenneforum.org/showpost.php?p=83946&postcount=158[/URL][/QUOTE]
That's where I saw that! Not that I can remember something posted before I came on the scene.

But in my defense, the subject in the joke is me, at just a tad shy of 2 meters in sock feet. And, it's still a good joke to revisit.

I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.

We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea. Runs in our jeans.

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building. He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar. The bartender gave it to her.

Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.

[QUOTE=EdH;526027]But in my defense, the subject in the joke is me, at just a tad shy of 2 meters in sock feet.[/QUOTE]Just how tall is Tad?

[QUOTE=Uncwilly;526055]Just how tall is Tad?[/QUOTE]
:jokedrum:

First line is in recognition of International Talk Like a Pirate Day
 

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey.

To the handicapped guy who stole my bag: You can hide but you can't run.

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg.

Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that.

I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.

The first rule of Alzheimer's club is don't talk about chess club.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Which is heavier? 100kg of bricks, or 100kg of feathers?
[spoiler]The feathers. 100kg of bricks is just some bricks. But if you try to carry 100kg of feathers you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.[/spoiler]

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It is very time consuming.

Why did the one handed man cross the street? To get to the second hand store.

What is the Cheshire Cat's favourite drink? Evaporated milk.

Why does the mermaid wear seashells? She has outgrown B-shells.

Have you heard about the sushi chef that started setting up online scams to steal people's information? They were involved in raw phishing.