Disclaimer: This joke is political in nature
 

In a speech to a gathering of mathematics professors from throughout the United States, George W. Bush warned the academics not to misuse their position to force their often extremist political views on young Americans. "It is my understanding", the president said, "that you are frequently teaching algebra classes in which your students learn how to solve equations with the help of radicals. I can't say that I approve of that..."

Note: I just thought this was funny and I am NOT trying to start a political flame war of any sort.

Thrud: "In times like these I wish I had listened to what my mother told me..."
Other: "What did your mother tell, you?"
Thrud: "Dunno. I never listened."

The Spoiled Under-35 Crowd
 

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning..... Uphill... barefoot.. BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards,
The Over 35 Crowd

One of my favorites from Johnny Carson's Carnac character.

Answer: Siss Boom Bah

Question: What is the sound of sheep when exploding?

The Philosophy of Ambiguity
 

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Two more philosophical questions
 

If a man says something out loud and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why was there only one Monopolies and Mergers Commission?

LENA and OLE

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.

Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, 'I tink it's time!'

So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son. Ain't dat Great!'

Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, 'Just hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor den held up a little girl...

He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.'

Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!'

Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three Children home. He was real serious and he asked Lena, 'How come we got tree on the first try?'

Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'

Ole said, 'Yeah, I do... Uffda!!! It's a dam good ting I didn't get the WD-40!!.

A couple old ones:
 

A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 die! How many are left? [spoiler] 9![/spoiler]

Three travelers rent a hotel room late one night. The night clerk charges them $10 each, for a total of $30. When the day clerk comes on duty, he calls the bellhop and tells him the room should have been let for $25 and gives him $5 to take back to the three guests. On the way to the room the bellhop thinks that $5 isn't easliy divisible by three, so he decides to keep $2 and give them back $3, thinking they would be quite pleased to get anything back. Such is done.

But all isn't clear. The three guests originally paid $30, but ended up paying $9 each for a total of $27 and the bellhop now has $2. $27 plus $2 is only $29. What happened to the other $1?

[spoiler]There is no "other dollar." The three guests were eventually only charged $25 and the bellhop took a $2 tip, which made it $27.
[/spoiler]

Metaphors and Analogies
 

Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays.
A large portion of these, if not all of them, are the results of the Style Invitational contest from [url]www.washingtonpost.com[/url]. This is a humor contest, which asked participants to come up with the bad analogies:

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other Sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. - Sue Lin Chong, Washington

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. -Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. -Joseph Romm, Washington

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. -Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. -Russell Beland, Springfield

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. -Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. -Roy Ashley, Washington

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Chuck Smith,Woodbridge

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. -Russell Beland, Springfield

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. -Unknown

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. -Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. -Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. -Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. -Wayne Goode, Madison,AL

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. -Russell Beland, Springfield

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.-Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.-Unknown

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. -Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut. -Sandra Hull, Arlington

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!" -Jean Sorensen, Herndon

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. -Jerry Pannullo, Kensington

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. -Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. -Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. -John Kammer, Herndon

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. -Barbara Collier, Garrett Park

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. -Susan Reese, Arlington

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before. -Marian Carlsson, Lexington

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton. -J. F. Knowles, Springfield

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. -Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. -Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium. -Unknown

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. -Susan Reese, Arlington

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. -Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. -Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. -Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. -Sue Lin Chong, Washington

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. -Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

A man was convinced that his wife was fooling around. One day while at work he couldn't stand it anymore. He had to know. So he called home and the maid answered. "Listen", he said to the maid, "I'm convinced that my wife is fooling around. Is she right now in the upstairs bedroom fooling around?"

"I must tell you the truth, sir," said the maid. "She is and I must tell you that I disapprove of such behavior."

"Good," said the man. "I am glad that you are a moral person. Do you know where I keep my gun?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then go get it. Take it to my bedroom and shoot my wife of mine between the eyes then shoot the man who is violating the sanctity of my home right in the heart then return and report to me."

After a pause the maid came back to the phone. "Sir," she said. "Mission accomplished."

"You shot my wife?"

"Yes, sir."

"You shot that no-good deceiving man?"

"Yes, sir."

"And they're both dead?"

"Yes, sir."

"And what did you do with the gun?"

"Sir, I threw it into the swimming pool."

"You threw it into the swimming pool??? Say, what telephone number is this?"

Chinese meal
 

I opt for the house white.
Delightful waitress: "Would you like a bottle, or would
you prefer it by the grass?"

No marks for guessing my reply.

David