A snail gets mugged by a turtle.

The police were called.

Police: Can you describe what happened?
Snail: I don't know, it happened so fast.

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.



Dear Fred,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over because I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love,
Dad



A few days later he received a letter from his son.



Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried all the bodies!

Love,
Fred



At 4AM the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.



Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,
Fred

Why men are happier than women:

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet. No PMS. No Menopause. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

The party was about to begin, and the owner of the house was welcoming the guests and offering some drinks. As he proposed some whisky, a lady politely declined saying that "I really can´t drink whisky, it is too bad for my legs".
The man was surprised and said: "That´s strange, it may be a blood circulation problem, or something. Tell me, when you drink whisky do your legs get swollen?".
"No, replied the lady, they get wide open..."

Saskatchewan Technology
 

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: "California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, "Moose Jaw Times Herald", a local newspaper in Saskatchewan reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in sagebrush fields near Moose Jaw, Ole Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Saskatchewan had already gone wireless."

I just had a charming exchange with a favorite doctor's
receptionist of mine:

(Consults computer)

We sent a letter to your (now obsolete) address telling you
that we had rearranged your appointment to yesterday at 11 am

I said "I'm not Doctor Who so I don't think I can make it".

She understood.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a few minutes later with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water!"

I got that on second reading. Hard work though :lol:

'Twas the night before crisis, and all thru the house,
Not a program was working, not even a browse.
The programmers were wrung out, too mindless to care,
Taking chances and cutover hadn't a prayer.

Users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads,
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a super programmer, oblivious to fear.

More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
ANd he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions complete!

His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to work,
Turning specs into code, then he turned with a jerk.
And laying his fingers upon the enter key,
The system came up, and worked perfectly.

Updates updated, The Deleted, they deleted;
The Inquiries, inquired; and the Closing completed.
He tested each whistle, he tested each bell,
WIth nary an error, and all had gone well.
The system was finished, the tests were concluded,
The client's last changes were even included.
And the client exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but it's not what I want".

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"

I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.