[QUOTE=petrw1;118972]
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
[/QUOTE]

I just got the file.

try

[CODE]apt-get moo[/CODE]

instead.

H.

Star Trek Lost Episodes - Microsoft in space.
 

Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"
Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

Fifteen minutes later . . .
Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."
Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

Two hours pass . . .
Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard "Identify."
Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
Over the speakers: "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"
Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"
Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I understand that it often proves fatal."
Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!"

Top ten indicators that your tech support is ...
 

Top ten indicators that your tech support is from the back-woods

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Huntin".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Top ten signs your co-worker is a computer hacker
 

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

Three guys are ushered through the pearly gates. The place is filled with ducks sitting everywhere. St. Peter greets the newest arrivals; "Welcome to heaven, your home for eternity. Whatever you do, don't step on a duck." So the three stand as still as they can, until one shuffles his feet and accidentally steps on a duck. Instantly, heaven resounds with the loud quacking of the multitude of waterfowl. As they settle down, St. Peter comes up to the offending man and admonishes him. As punishment, he ties the man to a short rope attached to the ugliest, most foul looking woman you ever saw, for eternity. The other two, seeing this punishment, resolve to stand ever more still. Eventually, one of the two moves ever so slightly, bumping a duck and causing the multitudes to begin quacking once again. Again, St. Peter runs up to the man and attaches him to a short rope with the most hideous of women, for the rest of eternity. Seeing this, the third man resolves to stand perfectly still. After a long while of remaining motionless, St. Peter runs up to the man and attaches a short rope to him with a voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman attached to the other end, for eternity. Dumbfounded, he says to the woman, "I've no idea what I have done to deserve such a reward." The woman, looking dejected, responds, "I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck."

A young city feller is out hunting. Spying a duck sitting on a fence post, he takes careful aim and drops the fowl, as it falls on the other side of the fence. Climbing the fence, the young hunter encounters an old farmer on the other side, sitting on his tractor.

Old Farmer - "What do you think you're doing thar, sonny?"

Hunter - "Getting this duck I just shot."

Old Farmer - "I don't think so. This here duck is lying on my property."

Hunter - "Listen old man, that's my duck and I'm taking him with me."

Old Farmer - "Well now, round these parts we settle our disputes using the three kick rule."

Hunter - "The three kick rule... What's that?'

Old Farmer - "Well, the way it works is I kick you three times, then you kick me three times and we go back and forth until the first one gives up."

Hunter - "Sounds good to me. Nothing would give me greater pleasure then kicking your *** all over this field and taking my duck."

Old Farmer - "Fine then"

The Old Farmer climbs down off his tractor and plants his steel toed boot square on the knee of the hunter. As he doubles over in pain with a cracked knee cap, the farmer sends a second shot crashing into the hunter's face, breaking his nose and knocking out several teeth. Finally, he gives a mightly blow to the groin leaving the young hunter writhing in excruciating pain in a heap.

Struggling to his feet, the young man stammers, "Okay old man, its my turn now. Prepare for some real pain."

Hopping back up on his tractor, the old farmer says, "Naw, you can have the duck."

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there! Send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.

The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."

The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."

The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their rear are interchangeable."

The fifth surgeon says "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a white cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Dennis, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."