Strip Club.
 

:smile:

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for

his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey,
Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club
before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd
like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and
says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share
lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual
table dance,
big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms
out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before
she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He
tries desperately
to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for
someone else,
but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at
him at the top
of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cab driver turns his head and says, "Looks like
you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave". :wink:

Mally :coffee:

:missingteeth:

Edit: Deleted by mod. This is a dumb jokes thread. No attacks on individuals please. And I couldn't see the point of that statement anyway. If it were funny I'd have left it in....

Admirers of the United States president should change the name in the following account to the name of their chosen figure of ridicule.

While George W. Bush is relaxing from his heavy schedule in his local bar the barman tells him a riddle. "George, see if you can work this one out. My mother has a child. It's not my sister. It's not my brother. Who is it?"
George racks his brains for a long time and finally has to admit defeat. "Why, it's me of course!" says the barman.
George goes home later thinking what a good joke it is. He tells it to his wife. "Laura, my mother has a child. It's not my sister. It's not my brother. Who is it?"
Laura thinks for a long time. Finally she gives up. "I don't know, who is it?"
"It's Bill the barman of course!!" hoots George.

[quote=davieddy;113135]Edit: Deleted by mod. This is a dumb jokes thread. No attacks on individuals please. And I couldn't see the point of that statement anyway. If it were funny I'd have left it in....[/quote]

Sorry about that.
It should have been in the Mother Theresa soap box thread:sad:

No offence intended.
David

SAVE THE POLAR BEARS!!! (collect all 5!!)

Note: 5 is just a random number in this case, it has no meaning.

Mum Tracy!
 

[QUOTE=davieddy;113169]Sorry about that.
It should have been in the Mother Theresa soap box thread:sad:

No offence intended.
David[/QUOTE]
:smile:
Go ahead Davie: I would be glad to respond to it if it were meant for me.

Perhaps I would have missed it in this thread.

Thank you Garo for your vigilance.

Mally :coffee:

Bill Gates- after death!
 

:smile:

Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!" Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.

The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect ! Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!" To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."

"As you desire," said God. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"





"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver" :lol:

Mally :coffee:

The Whole hole-hole story
 

:smile:

A Guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead
>of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know
>what hole I'm on."
>
>She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He
>thanked her and continued playing golf.
>
>Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again
> kind
>of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can
>you please tell me what hole I'm on."
>
>She told him "you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
>Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
>
>When he finished, he saw her in the clubhouse. He went upto her and
>asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As
>they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
>
>"I am in sales." she said.
>
>He replied, "no kidding, so am I. What do you sell ?"
>
>She said it is too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to
>know what she sold, finally,she said she'd tell him if he promised not
>to laugh. He promised.
>
>She said, "I sell WHISPER (Sanitary Napkins)" . He immediately fell to
>the floor laughing hysterically.
>
>She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied (still with
>tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet
>paper..... I am still one hole behind you." !!!! :grin:

Mally :coffee:
>
>

Dumb and Dumber
 

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?"
IF YOU THINK YOU'RE DUMB WHEN IT COMES TO COMPUTERS, READ THIS AND YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.
Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.

10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:

CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard.The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the drive.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

12. And last but not least:
TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"

Yellow
 

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.

I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?"