[QUOTE=science_man_88;420990]A: Macbeth never met him.[/QUOTE]Q: Will, did you know that I, the ever so humble Christopher Marlowe, met MacBeth?

A:You know I do believe in horroscopes.

[QUOTE=Uncwilly;421001]A:You know I do believe in horroscopes.[/QUOTE]
Q: What is the first of many ridiculous that you say to continue the conversation while speaking to a pretty girl at a party?

A: Mind the gap.

[QUOTE=only_human;421008]A: Mind the gap.[/QUOTE]
Q: Which recorded safety announcement at underground train stations also functions as a reminder to some people not to reveal too much when they smile?

A: The dentist.

[QUOTE=Brian-E;421034]A: The dentist.[/QUOTE]Q: Which doctor, along with the proctologist and ob/gyn, stick their fingers places they shouldn't?

A: Brandywine.

[QUOTE=Uncwilly;421041]
A: Brandywine.[/QUOTE]
Q: Which Middle Earth river was originally known as the Baranduin?

A: A balrog.

[QUOTE=kladner;421043]A: A balrog.[/QUOTE]
Q: What is full name of the first Tolkien creature to get pissed off when telemarketers place calls alphabetically using a phone book?

A: A crank shaft.

[QUOTE=only_human;421044]A: A crank shaft.[/QUOTE]Q: What is RDS ideal usage for an old mine?

A: Those 2 things are not the same!!

[QUOTE=Uncwilly;421046]A: Those 2 things are not the same!![/QUOTE]
Q: Shouldn't politicians and prostitutes receive equal treatment under the law for taking money to screw someone?

A: Things losers say.

[QUOTE=only_human;421047]Q: Shouldn't politicians and prostitutes receive equal treatment under the law for taking money to screw someone?

A: Things losers say.[/QUOTE]

Q: What will you never hear a winner say?

A: "Six dog night."

[QUOTE=NBtarheel_33;421104]A: "Six dog night."[/QUOTE]
Q: How cold is it?

A: Pants first, then shoes.

[QUOTE=only_human;421161]A: Pants first, then shoes.[/QUOTE]Q: In what order do clowns choose what to wear?

A: Fire water.

[QUOTE=Uncwilly;421162]Q: In what order do clowns choose what to wear?

A: Fire water.[/QUOTE]

Q: What will Donald Trump do on the first episode of [I]The Platonic Apprentice[/I]?

A: Black smoke and ozone in the air.

[QUOTE=NBtarheel_33;421166]A: Black smoke and ozone in the air.[/QUOTE]
Q: Just what is the attraction of a McDonalds Drive-thru?

A: You could try piling one on top of the other.

[QUOTE=Brian-E;421387]Q: Just what is the attraction of a McDonalds Drive-thru?

A: You could try piling one on top of the other.[/QUOTE]

Q: How can I get these Iraqi prisoners to confess to things they probably didn't do?

A: Call in the K9 squad.

[QUOTE=kladner;421406]A: Call in the K9 squad.[/QUOTE]
Q: The K9 squad is running around the doggy park wearing camo gear and decorating trees but it's getting late and it's cold outside and the only snacks they have are birdseed for benchwarmers so should we let them run around all night or call them into a warm dogpen with two hots and a cot?

A: I stopped beating my wife last spring when her chess ranking made a sudden leap.

[QUOTE=only_human;421430]A: I stopped beating my wife last spring when her chess ranking made a sudden leap.[/QUOTE]Q: Your wife is beating you?

A: When you phrase the question like that, NO WAY!

[QUOTE=Uncwilly;421432]A: When you phrase the question like that, NO WAY![/QUOTE]
Q: Way?

A: A broach or a pterodactyl.

[QUOTE=only_human;421439]Q: Way?

A: A broach or a pterodactyl.[/QUOTE]

Q: What are two gifts I would never want to give my girlfriend who
wears only earrings?

A: Oh no not really !!

[QUOTE=davar55;421482]A: Oh no not really !![/QUOTE]
Q: With that question for only_human's prior answer, can we assume that your girlfriend never wears clothes?

A: You've just confused me.

[QUOTE=Brian-E;421506]A: You've just confused me.[/QUOTE]
Q: Would you like a Cavendish or a plantain?

A: The answer has been conclusively shown to be "Erwin Romel".

[QUOTE=Uncwilly;421513]
A: The answer has been conclusively shown to be "Erwin Romel".[/QUOTE]

Q. What's the most common misspelling of "Erwin Rommel"?

A. The world may never know.

[QUOTE=Dubslow;421523]A. The world may never know.[/QUOTE]
Q: What would the world be like if it were a nicer place?

A: "Have a nice day."

[QUOTE=only_human;421547]
A: "Have a nice day."[/QUOTE]

Q. What's a good way to further annoy people who are already having a bad day?


A. Of course, but I rather think that the alternative is much cleaner.

[QUOTE=Dubslow;421548]A. Of course, but I rather think that the alternative is much cleaner.[/QUOTE]
Q: Everyone else is just helping themselves with their fingers, so shall we do the same and save on the washing up?

A: No way. I tried that once, and a week in hospital plus this permanent scar was the result.

[QUOTE=Brian-E;421550]Q: Everyone else is just helping themselves with their fingers, so shall we do the same and save on the washing up?

A: No way. I tried that once, and a week in hospital plus this permanent scar was the result.[/QUOTE]

Q: Are you still free-basing?

A: RIP Richard Prior.

[QUOTE=kladner;421553]
A: RIP Richard Prior.[/QUOTE]
Q: Should we have the right to exhume comedians who have been dead for at least 10 years, stick them full of animatronics and put them to work entertaining cruise ships or should we just leave them alone?

A: That's not my dog.

[QUOTE=only_human;421633]Q: Should we have the right to exhume comedians who have been dead for at least 10 years, stick them full of animatronics and put them to work entertaining cruise ships or should we just leave them alone?

A: That's not my dog.[/QUOTE]

Q: What did the dyslexic Christian have to say about Ganesha?

A: The event occurred during the Super Bowl 50 halftime show, causing the start of the second half to be delayed by 27 minutes, with coaches, officials, and fans alike milling about in confusion, as the strange icon began flashing red and green on the scoreboard, accompanied by a continuous beeping sound that no one seemed able to silence.

[QUOTE=NBtarheel_33;421643]Q: What did the dyslexic Christian have to say about Ganesha?

A: The event occurred during the Super Bowl 50 halftime show, causing the start of the second half to be delayed by 27 minutes, with coaches, officials, and fans alike milling about in confusion, as the strange icon began flashing red and green on the scoreboard, accompanied by a continuous beeping sound that no one seemed able to silence.[/QUOTE]

Q: What was the story line of the Times article entitled: "Super Bowl interrupted
by strange question" ?

A: The New York Times and The Daily News.

[QUOTE=davar55;42167]A: The New York Times and The Daily News.[/QUOTE]
Q: Where did you hear about this big lottery?

A: Whirled peas

[QUOTE=only_human;421750]Q: Where did you hear about this big lottery?

A: Whirled peas[/QUOTE]

Q: What have you got in the centrifuge today?

A: An old dog.

[QUOTE=kladner;421753]Q: What have you got in the centrifuge today?

A: An old dog.[/QUOTE]

Q: Who might not give a woof about the relationship between
uranium centrifugal enrichment and world peace?

A: Very punny.

[QUOTE=davar55;421784]A: Very punny.[/QUOTE]
Q: Do you find this humerus?
:humorous:

A: El Chapo believes in reincarceration through personal experiences but I don't think they'll send him back through the canal that he tunneled through from his berth. It would be fun to watch though.

[QUOTE=only_human;421787]
A: El Chapo believes in reincarceration through personal experiences but I don't think they'll send him back through the canal that he tunneled through from his berth. It would be fun to watch though.[/QUOTE]

Q: What would be the plot of "Get Shorty dos" ?

A: Tres. dos, uno.

[QUOTE=davar55;421823]Q: What would be the plot of "Get Shorty dos" ?

A: Tres. dos, uno.[/QUOTE]

Q: ¿Cuáles son los números enteros que hay que multiplicar para calcular el factorial de tres?

A: "Baby, don't hurt me, no more."

[QUOTE=NBtarheel_33;421832]A: "Baby, don't hurt me, no more."[/QUOTE]
Q: What should a woman sing immediately after giving birth?

A: By magic.

[QUOTE=Brian-E;421863]A: By magic.[/QUOTE]
Q: How do unauthorized diversions of your money end up in a prestidigitator's pocket?

A: Yes it does. Thank you for holding it under my nose.

[QUOTE=only_human;421869]Q: How do unauthorized diversions of your money end up in a prestidigitator's pocket?

A: Yes it does. Thank you for holding it under my nose.[/QUOTE]

Q: Does this meat smell rotten?

A: Whiskey and bison jerky.

[QUOTE=kladner;421878]A: Whiskey and bison jerky.[/QUOTE]
Q: I've read the list of 80 items VanillaIsis has requested. C'mon! Both mayonnaise [I]and[/I] Miracle Whip! Frikkin' French Vanilla creamer! Is there anything we can add to make their staycation more enjoyable?

A: As you wish.

[QUOTE=only_human;421958]A: As you wish.[/QUOTE]Can I get a new prime announced in early 2016?

A: No, the margin was too small.

[QUOTE=Uncwilly;421978]Can I get a new prime announced in early 2016?

A: No, the margin was too small.[/QUOTE]

Q: Did the ice cream company grossing 20% above cost of good sold survive ?

A: PiZza

[QUOTE=science_man_88;421979]A: PiZza[/QUOTE]
Q: What is an minimalistic method of textually denoting a leaning tower of pizza?

A: You had me at hello, sailor.

[QUOTE=only_human;422003]A: You had me at hello, sailor.[/QUOTE]
Q: Um... Hi, um... G-g-good d-day... Er... Sir.... Are you a friend of Dorothy?

A: No, I'm too scared.

[QUOTE=Brian-E;422024]A: No, I'm too scared.[/QUOTE]
Q: On your visit to the LHC, will you [URL="http://www.theregister.co.uk/2010/11/08/lhc_heavy_ions_and_button_tomfoolery/?page=2"]press the large red button[/URL]?

A: Real soon now.

[QUOTE=only_human;422039]A: Real soon now.[/QUOTE]
Q: It's been almost 2 days. When are we finally getting the next contribution in this thread?

A: That would be like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.

[QUOTE=Brian-E;422382]A: That would be like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.[/QUOTE]
Q: I don't know if this is much of a deterrent but those Oregon moochers are heading into town on Friday to discuss possible bird sanctuary exit scenarios... anyway, I got this idea from [I]Blazing Saddles[/I] about putting a toll gate between the sanctuary and town... What do you think?

A: The company says that they have received orders for about 60 bags of suggestively shaped gummy treats for shipment to an Oregon outback ornithological observation office; each package contains 25 treats. Glitter can be optionally included.

[QUOTE=only_human;422436]Q: I don't know if this is much of a deterrent but those Oregon moochers are heading into town on Friday to discuss possible bird sanctuary exit scenarios... anyway, I got this idea from [I]Blazing Saddles[/I] about putting a toll gate between the sanctuary and town... What do you think?

A: The company says that they have received orders for about 60 bags of suggestively shaped gummy treats for shipment to an Oregon outback ornithological observation office; each package contains 25 treats. Glitter can be optionally included.[/QUOTE]

Q: Can you factor 1500 into two composite factors that sum to 85?

A: Roger Rabbit.

[QUOTE=davar55;422441]A: Roger Rabbit.[/QUOTE]Q: What is the proper way to acknowledge a message from Private Rabbit over the wireless?

A: Don't pull that tab, if you do, it might......:explode:

[QUOTE=Uncwilly;422499]A: Don't pull that tab, if you do, it might......:explode:[/QUOTE]

Q: what is a valid response to someone shaking a can of pop, attempting to pull a label for the pin on a live grenade in a museum, or taking all the keys off of their computers keyboard ?

A: pro-opiomelanocortin

[QUOTE=science_man_88;422500]A: pro-opiomelanocortin[/QUOTE]Q: Name a biochemical that a pharmacology student might recognize but is obscure to plebeians who've just weathered a billion dollar lottery dream and are trying to think of something funny while waiting for a propitious Tuesday news cycle and are hoping that no mooching redneck rancher occupiers steal the upcoming media spotlight.

A: Springtime for Hitler.

[QUOTE=only_human;422808]Q: Name a biochemical that a pharmacology student might recognize but is obscure to plebeians who've just weathered a billion dollar lottery dream and are trying to think of something funny while waiting for a propitious Tuesday news cycle and are hoping that no mooching redneck rancher occupiers steal the upcoming media spotlight.

A: Springtime for Hitler.[/QUOTE]

Q: What does it mean when it is winter for Poland and France?

A: That is why they call me Rolf!

[QUOTE=kladner;422811]A: That is why they call me Rolf![/QUOTE]
Q: Who ARE you? (your musical is genius, pure genious, sure to be a success, it's so far out there that there is no way out)

A: Just read the instructions

[QUOTE=only_human;422825]A: Just read the instructions[/QUOTE]Q: Ma'am, can you please tell me exact what where the last words your husband said to you before you brained him with a frying pan?

A: That's like the Al-Jazera viewership in Texas!

[YOUTUBE]y7qqkHOjue8[/YOUTUBE]
[QUOTE=Uncwilly;422843]Q: Ma'am, can you please tell me exact what where the last words your husband said to you before you brained him with a frying pan?

A: That's like the Al-Jazera viewership in Texas![/QUOTE]
Q: So ballpark it for me. What is the general public demographic size for prime number
news?

A: That's why they call them warthogs.

[QUOTE=only_human;423010]A: That's why they call them warthogs.[/QUOTE]
Q: Did you hear about the hedge funs that bought the company that makes Compound W? They plan on raising the price to $1000 a dose!

A: Curtis Cooper, obviously.

[QUOTE=Uncwilly;423057]A: Curtis Cooper, obviously.[/QUOTE]
Q: Name someone who is 100 years old and in the news.

A: The [URL="http://time.com/4177146/david-bowie-mini-cooper-car/"]Mini Cooper[/URL].

[QUOTE=only_human;423127]A: The [URL="http://time.com/4177146/david-bowie-mini-cooper-car/"]Mini Cooper[/URL].[/QUOTE]
Q: Which British car embodied the transformation from a compact economical saloon car into a high-performance rally racing machine in the 1960s?

A: Pigeons.

[QUOTE=Brian-E;423462]A: Pigeons.[/QUOTE]Q: Which birds squabble the most.

A: 300 centimeters in 6523 seconds.

[QUOTE=only_human;423127]Q: Name someone who is 100 years old and in the news.

A: The [URL="http://time.com/4177146/david-bowie-mini-cooper-car/"]Mini Cooper[/URL].[/QUOTE]
What did you say the name of the famous NZ [URL="http://www.minniecooper.co.nz/"]shoes seller[/URL] was?

[QUOTE=Uncwilly;423463]Q: Which birds squabble the most.

A: 300 centimeters in 6523 seconds.[/QUOTE]
How fast can you roll that Bermuda terra cota [URL="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/108508672243751383/"]rug[/URL]?


A: [URL="http://www.tensionnot.com/jokes/one_liner_jokes/funny_questions_and_answers"]Very large hands[/URL]

[QUOTE=LaurV;423499]What did you say the name of the famous NZ [URL="http://www.minniecooper.co.nz/"]shoes seller[/URL] was?


How fast can you roll that Bermuda terra cota [URL="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/108508672243751383/"]rug[/URL]?


A: [URL="http://www.tensionnot.com/jokes/one_liner_jokes/funny_questions_and_answers"]Very large hands[/URL][/QUOTE]

What did bar owners in California in 1850 look for in [URL="http://www.digitalhistory.uh.edu/disp_textbook.cfm?smtID=3&psid=1145"]prospective bartenders[/URL]?
[QUOTE][SPOILER]In the absence of scales a pinch of dust was accepted as a dollar, and you may well imagine the size of the pinch very often varied from the real standard.[/SPOILER][/QUOTE]

Booze, blonds, and beefsteak.

[QUOTE=kladner;423528]Booze, blonds, and beefsteak.[/QUOTE]
Q: Name three words beginning with the letter 'b' reflecting a corresponding similarity between winning the presidency and winning the lottery as long as responsibilities are not a factor.

A: Go ahead if it makes you feel better.

[QUOTE=only_human;423538]A: Go ahead if it makes you feel better.[/QUOTE]Q: May I cut in the queue to the restroom?

A: A bride after her wedding, a meat cleaver, and Don Knotts.

Use your best Carnac hat and you can get this one.

[QUOTE=Uncwilly;423547]A: A bride after her wedding, a meat cleaver, and Don Knotts.[/QUOTE]
Q: Describe a wife, a knife and a Fife.

A: Shaken, not stirred.

[QUOTE=only_human;423549]A: Shaken, not stirred.[/QUOTE]
Q: Which Bond cliché could best be said to leave his apparently macho image on the rocks?

A: There's no truth in that cliché.

[QUOTE=Brian-E;423553]A: There's no truth in that cliché.[/QUOTE]
Q: Does "no pain, no gain" mean exercising must be painful for results to occur?

A: No true capitalist would do that.

[QUOTE=only_human;423769]Q: Does "no pain, no gain" mean exercising must be painful for results to occur?

A: No true capitalist would do that.[/QUOTE]

Q: What is boasting about their use of eminent domain?

:A: He is making the biggest fool of himself in this election.

[QUOTE=davar55;424028]Q: What is boasting about their use of eminent domain?

:A: He is making the biggest fool of himself in this election.[/QUOTE]
Q: What is Sean Hannity up to, lately?

A: Hillary Clinton

[QUOTE=kladner;424029]A: Hillary Clinton[/QUOTE]Q: Can you name the Kiwi that first summited Everest and the New York Governor responsible for the Erie Canal (2 of humankind's achievements by white men)?

A: In a manner of speaking, yes that is the underlying principle.

[QUOTE=Uncwilly;424044]A: In a manner of speaking, yes that is the underlying principle.[/QUOTE]
Q: While composing the question in this thread, is it the idea to willfully alter the obvious identity of someone referred to in the posed answer?

A: Because we're all getting bored.

[QUOTE=Brian-E;424291]
A: Because we're all getting bored.[/QUOTE]

Q: Why do we want to take over the world, again?

A: A man of wealth and taste.

Q: Who announced presidential aspirations during an event showcasing a brief escalator journey?
[QUOTE=firejuggler;424300]
A: A man of wealth and taste.[/QUOTE]

A: I'm counting to ten.

[QUOTE=only_human;424303]Q: Who announced presidential aspirations during an event showcasing a brief escalator journey?


A: I'm counting to ten.[/QUOTE]
Q: Can you please demonstrate the use of your favourite base?

A: Well I prefer to sing.

[QUOTE=Uncwilly;424331]A: Well I prefer to sing.[/QUOTE]
Q: How do you prefer to pay for your supper?

A: Call me Ishmael.